The Most Serene Eternal Republic of Calistan is a gargantuan, safe nation, ruled by Da Big Kahuna with an even hand, and notable for its state-planned economy, public floggings, and ubiquitous missile silos. The compassionate, humorless population of 26.486 billion Caliwogs are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The large, socially-minded government prioritizes Education, with Healthcare, Environment, and Industry also on the agenda, while Spirituality is ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Astro City. The average income tax rate is 76.1%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The thriving Cali economy, worth a remarkable 2,737 trillion Takoes a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is highly specialized, is mostly made up of the Book Publishing industry, with significant contributions from Information Technology and Basket Weaving. Average income is an impressive 103,363 Takoes, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Most towns have their Da Big Kahuna High School located on Da Big Kahuna Street, weather forecasts are accurate but nobody has the bandwidth to view them, the government is washing its hands of alleged corruption, and ghost regiments exist only on paper. Crime is totally unknown. Calistan's national animal is the Kiwi, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Kahunaism.

Calistan is ranked 267,328^th in the world and 5,008^th in the South Pacific for Most Cheerful Citizens, with 39.73 Percentage Of Water Glasses Perceived Half-Full.