The Abandoned Lands of Island Number Nine is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Mister Knowitall with an iron fist, and remarkable for its avowedly heterosexual populace, pith helmet sales, and ritual sacrifices. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless, devout population of 8.345 billion Island Number Nineans are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The medium-sized, corrupt, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Law & Order, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Old Bombing. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 68.1%.

The frighteningly efficient Island Number Ninean economy, worth a remarkable 2,272 trillion coconuts a year, is broadly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, Uranium Mining, and Retail. Average income is an amazing 272,294 coconuts, with the richest citizens earning 8.3 times as much as the poorest.

Police drones follow every suspected Peeping Tom, the most popular stadium acts are one-off performances, employers are never quite sure if graduates' qualifications have any merit or meaning, and no-one can foil the ambitions of Big Aluminium. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Island Number Nine's national animal is the alligator, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Orthodox Obedientism.

Island Number Nine is ranked 288,743^rd in the world and 332^nd in Forest for Highest Food Quality, scoring 3.63 on the Meeshlin-Starr Index.