The Definitely not an Umbreon of Bagong Timog Mindanao is a colossal, cultured nation, ruled by President Julian Renato Caballero with a fair hand, and notable for its otherworldly petting zoo, sprawling nuclear power plants, and free-roaming dinosaurs. The compassionate, democratic population of 5.578 billion South Mindanaoans love a good election, and the government gives them plenty of them. Universities tend to be full of students debating the merits of various civil and political rights, while businesses are tightly regulated and the wealthy viewed with suspicion.

The large, socially-minded, outspoken government juggles the competing demands of Education, Industry, and Healthcare. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Capital District of Davao City. The average income tax rate is 94.0%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient South Mindanaoan economy, worth a remarkable 1,016 trillion South Mindanao Pesos a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is broadly diversified, is led by the Information Technology industry, with significant contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Beef-Based Agriculture. Average income is an impressive 182,145 South Mindanao Pesos, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Families are left homeless as entire suburbs are bulldozed on the whim of tribal chiefs, the new Philippine Eagle Supremacy Party is faring well in the polls, soldiers find that home gadgets and power tools are more effective as improvised weapons than the guns they've been issued, and popular cartoon characters frequently appear in government-sponsored PSAs reminding students to say no to drugs. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown. Bagong Timog Mindanao's national animal is the Philippine Eagle, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is No official religion.

Bagong Timog Mindanao is ranked 7,265^th in the world and 17^th in The Union of Democratic States for Lowest Crime Rates, with 107.65 law-abiding acts per hour.