The Kingdom of Esvonia is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by President Aada Autio with an even hand, and notable for its complete lack of prisons, ubiquitous missile silos, and national health service. The compassionate population of 7.655 billion Esvonians are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The enormous government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Administration, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Helsinki. The average income tax rate is 96.2%.

The frighteningly efficient Esvonian economy, worth a remarkable 1,202 trillion Euros a year, is quite specialized and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Tourism, and Book Publishing. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an impressive 157,079 Euros, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

School history books often refer to President Aada Autio as "that imperialist pig dog", the "Underwear of Women in Power" issue of The Helsinki Times is sold out, EULAs remind customers that "Private Mode" is a browser setting rather than a promise, and teenage girls worry that they'll be unpopular if their skirts aren't short enough. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Esvonia's national animal is the Brown Bear, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Eastern Orthodox.

Esvonia is ranked 13,350^th in the world and 97^th in Europe for Most Patriotic, with 56.84 flags saluted per person per day.