The Nine Hells of Gopnikea is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Nikola Hadares with an iron fist, and renowned for its ubiquitous missile silos, frequent executions, and avowedly heterosexual populace. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, devout population of 12.416 billion Sepulcrists are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The relatively small, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Education, Defense, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Strateigor. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 69.0%.

The frighteningly efficient Sepulcrisian economy, worth a remarkable 4,731 trillion Kuurakas a year, is broadly diversified and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Information Technology, Tourism, Arms Manufacturing, and Book Publishing. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 381,108 Kuurakas, but there is a large disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 1,707,331 per year while the poor average 52,668, a ratio of 32.4 to 1.

Surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color, immigrant herding has become a national pastime, blind students are at a disadvantage now that test papers printed in braille have been discontinued, and exports are stamped with "made by the invisible hand you commies". Crime is well under control, despite the fact that it is difficult to make it through a day without breaking one of the country's many laws. Gopnikea's national animal is the Osmiurk, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Sepulcrisian paganism.

Gopnikea is ranked 1,914^th in the world and 78^th in Lazarus for Most Corrupt Governments, with 357.9 kickbacks per hour.