The Lotionese Empire of Lotion Empire is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Lubey II Privykia with an iron fist, and remarkable for its teetotalling pirates, deadly medical pandemics, and hatred of cheese. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless population of 8.305 billion Lotionese are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The enormous, corrupt, well-organized government is effectively ruled by the Department of Defense, with Industry and Law & Order also on the agenda, while International Aid and Environment are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Petrograd. The average income tax rate is 99.0%.

The frighteningly efficient Lotionese economy, worth a remarkable 2,644 trillion Ludons a year, is highly specialized and mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Arms Manufacturing and Uranium Mining. State-owned companies are reasonably common. Average income is an amazing 318,397 Ludons, with the richest citizens earning 5.5 times as much as the poorest.

Cops with assault weaponry are forcing their way into private homes to search for terrorists, droves of former desperados are applying to join the border police, posters encourage people to "Just Do It!", and a suspicious number of male students have joined the Ladies' Wrestling League. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a very well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Lotion Empire's national animal is the Black Eagle, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to toxic air pollution, and its national religion is Orthodox.

Lotion Empire is ranked 22,448^th in the world and 825^th in The North Pacific for Lowest Crime Rates, with 87.87 law-abiding acts per hour.