Due to budget cuts in the airline industry, LASA has issued friendly reminders that any airliner, at any time for whatever reason, can crash and kill you. These reminders included that any small amount of turbulence could mean a sudden explosive death, that any plane can fall out of the sky directly onto you, and that if even a single screw is loose, the cabin could rip open and send you straight into the engine. To make traveling easier with this knowledge, airports have instated an extra 10 minutes before departure dedicated to letting passengers consider what it feels like to die and to call their friends and families to tell them they love them. LASA recommends switching your flight at the last second to give you the illusion of control. "It may save your life," states a LASA executive, "or kill you, depending on which plane crashes."

Scientists in Lexxon have realized that as the political climate grows more pacifist, they no longer have any use for their billion-dollar Orbital Laser Striking Satellite. LASA then decided to hold a nation-wide pyrotechnical laser lightshow through the night sky. Officials insist that the destruction of a nearby solar system is unrelated.

Michelle Kensington has officially passed new immigration legislation, and border control is now allowing illegal immigrants into the country as long as their feet never touch the ground. "It's truly an opportunity," states one illegal Smalltopian immigrant, "Many of us have learned to walk on our hands, so I think this is a good step forward for immigrants in Avaldonia. Metaphorical steps, of course."

A fatal stadium collapse in Anhedral City, which killed dozens and injured more, successfully saved Lexxonians from having to watch a possible humiliating defeat during a Lexxonian Shepherds vs. Maxtopian Mammoths game. Survivors say it was a miracle, with some even going as far as to call it divine intervention.

Southern Kitesboro was left in disarray following a deadly super-rainbow that injured thousands and killed dozens. A survivor stated: "Back in my day, rainbows stayed in the sky instead of ripping people in half!" What is now known as Super-Rainbow Kylie has broken the record for the most devastating rainbow in Lexxonian history. Experts say that as the national weather gets better, our beautiful rainbows, sunsets, and snow flurries are increasingly likely to become beacons of mass destruction and civilian casualties.

Violence broke out in Amaxon International Airport between triangle supporters and rectangle supporters arguing over which shape is superior. This debate has already entered the political field, and politicians are now scrambling to "get their shapes in order". Though, this is clearly all nonsense, because the citizens of Lexxon need not what they want, but what they truly deserve: Hexagons.

New studies from the Kensington Scientific Corporation now prove that gaslighting is in fact not real. You're just crazy. This experiment consisted of very real people and statistics and facts, and all of them show, without a doubt, that the existence of "gaslighting" as a form of manipulation and psychological torture is not real. You're insane. That's not even a word, and you're out of your mind for ever thinking that.

A local crematorium worker in Crystal Bay went into work and decided to play a prank in which they pretended to keel over from a heart attack. Unfortunately, their acting was too good, and ended up being cremated by their fellow coworkers who mistook them for dead.

Demand for safer public transit regulations have reached a climax after a bullet-train derailment hit an airplane at 30,000 feet in the air. Luckily, the train landed in a pillow factory, and the plane made an emergency landing. Nobody was killed in this incident, but officials say a lack of safety requirements for Lexxon's new high-speed public transport lines may have contributed to a wheel axle failure that may have sent the train soaring upwards of five miles, colliding into Lexxon Airlines flight 6308. Vice-Leader Harrison Malkin spoke on this incident today, stating: "Trains shouldn't go that high", and that Lexxon will postpone rocket-boosters on public transit trains until regulations are up-to-date.