by Max Barry

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by The Mysterious Murder of New Eestiball. . 13 reads.

Eesti's Incoherent Ramblings: Vol.1, Chapter I

(I wrote this story when I was bored, conclude what you must.)

Nuggethead was worried. Was she hallucinating, or was it true that a giant potato had crushed her desert hometown of Axolotl? It looked like everyone else had died. It was lucky that she had been at that meeting of Concerned Citizens Against Foghorns, or she would have died too.

She remembered an idiom that seemed useful: When life gives you potatoes, make french fries. Now all she needed was a bucket of oil and a giant knife - the fries would fry themselves in the desert heat. Now where could she find those? The nearest catapult station was only 40 kilonostrils away, and it had all 29 types of catapults.

She could then get off at Mariachitown to get to the closest submarket with a giant aisle, which sold giant things and giant shopping carts. Then she realized that the catapult operator was crushed. That meant that she would have to walk the entire 2937 kilonostril trek, despite only being 97 nostrils tall.

Maybe she could find some companions along the way. The sun was hot, dry, and slowly coming closer, and she had forgotten to pack any cucumbers or alonso berries. Hopefully someone else would show up. And soon, someone did. A paprika hippopotamus showed up, not upside down like spiceimals usually were, but on its side. It appeared to be swimming through the air healthily.

How did she know this? Because she took her overgraduate major in veterinary medicine. She pulled on the tail, and the tail swung up, letting her get on. Luckily, she was only allergic to oregano, so she could ride safely. As she rode, she noticed a strange detail: The hippopotamus did not smell like paprika, but ginger. Weren’t spiceimals supposed to smell like their spices?

The wind blew, transmitting the spiceimal’s thoughts: Collision with a ginger cow that flipped me on my side. She now understood the misshapen appearance and scent. Nuggethead saw something in the distance that looked strange… Could it be? Indeed it was! She would soon enter Architectland, marking the halfway point of her journey. But to get to Architectland, she would have to go through Tricycleburger. Tricycleburger had a viral outbreak of belly dancing, which would make her not be able to go to Mariachitown. Nevertheless, she entered. She made sure to plug her ears and eyes, so that she could not see or hear the belly dancers. Unfortunately, the spiceimal was not so lucky. With nothing to plug their ears, they succumbed to the belly dancers, but not before they threw Nuggethead past the spinning blades. Now only one obstacle was left: the Belly Patrol. Their job was to eat any traveler who tried to exit Tricycleburger. They had blenders for teeth and horrified anyone who saw them, making them faint and fall into the pit of spikes.

If you could make it past the spikes - which hardly anyone did - they would surely gobble you up and mash you into bits. Nuggethead vomited navy hats from their heads and jumped on them as they were falling, hopping off a pistachio at the last moment. Then she realized something that you couldn’t recognize from further away: The Belly Patrol were asleep. She quietly snuck past them and continued on her journey to Mariachitown. She managed 253 kilonostrils before falling asleep on a bed of cursing mushrooms, which called her horrible names like Janine. She got no sleep, and, angrily screaming “Chlorophyll!” at the mushrooms, walked away. Finally, she reached Mariachitown! She could finally get to the submarket! She went through the spinning hamster wheels easily, as only belly dancers would get stuck in there, but then she stumbled into a room full of elephants. It was illegal to be in a room full of elephants, and a Cajun one shouted, “You’re not allowed in this room!”, throwing her into Tender Hugs Prison.
Tender Hugs Prison was full of hugs so tight, they would turn you into human tenders! The only way out was to make an omelet. Nuggethead remembered another saying. “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few legs.” Now where could she get some legs? Ah! The stickman gang in the neighboring cell! She used an everything bagel to break through the neighboring cell wall, and used her anglerfish generator to bite off all the stickmen’s legs. Now she could make the omelet of anglerfish eggs and stickman legs. She put the ingredients together and cooked it by yelling extremely insulting things at it. She could finally get to the submarket!

The giant aisle was the third aisle in, after the gardening and baby care. Nuggethead thought she knew what was in the baby care aisle, but she had no idea what the gardening aisle would be like. “Well, I guess I’ll eggsplore!” she thought. She threw some of the leftover legs from the omelet at the trees, and some yellow jackets wearing yellow jackets came out. “We will lick you if you do not guess my favorite NHL team???” one of them asked. They were wearing a map of a Canadian province, so she guessed the team wearing blue jackets. Nuggethead was right! She only had to sumo-wrestle through the PunZonnTM to go to the baby care aisle. The first pun was horrible: What gets drier as it wets? The answer, which was correct, was SpongeBob. Luckily that was the only pun, because of budget cuts. Next up: the baby care aisle. Today was the final of the baby bus championships: the winner would get a mango. After all, it takes 2 to mango. All the referees were fried Sherpas, which the babies used for snacks. Baby Trumpus was the heavy favorite, but their bus was upside down. That made it easy for Baby Orbano to press the guided missile button. However, the floor was greased, as usual. That made Baby Trumpus swerve at Baby Orbano, and the guided missile explosion made them both anti-Peterpanized. Trumpus and Orbano have been merged into Trumpbano, who has 1000 pounds but no legs. Trumpbano farted. Only one more obstacle before the aisle of giants: the wooden spiders. The wooden spiders melted into purple clothes, which Nuggethead embraced. “Thank you for rickrolling me!” she said. Final exam: Can you eyeball onto the giant knife? Nuggethead dioxide-ified, becoming liquid. Her eyeballs teleported to the giant knife, which then monoxide-ified her. She had become a true Sherpa! Only a short upslide and a giant bungee jump was right. The upslide zombified the cashier, so she got double quick payment and a free laser! When the bungee jump was at its mediumist, she lasered away.
After taking the bungee jump, she saw a door made of figs. It was wearing a trench coat, which was weird because doors usually wore top hats. She went through the door - why not? - and suddenly, gravity changed. She went hurtling at top speed around the world, and soon bounced off the horizon. Nuggethead, in her spin, went through a bubble wand that sent her to 2 minutes in the future, where she collided with her future self, slamming into the horizon. “Your head looks like cauliflower!” said Nuggethead to herself. “Why thank you, yours does too!” Nuggethead replied. Nuggethead suddenly landed on a screaming turtle, which became content as she collided with the turtle’s shell. It didn’t smell like coriander, but then again, its shell was hard. Nuggethead bounced 13.5 times on the turtle's shell, and landed armpit second on the seesaw infested desert. The seesaws were deserted, which could’ve been dangerous, but Nuggethead thought about blue cheese dancing with breadcrumbs, and the baboons didn’t appear on the seesaws. She slept in a gravity teleporter, which infused her brian with strawberry juice about the high speed of sneaker cats. Finally, she parachuted over the good city of Axolotl, where she dropped some giant knives and a bucket of oil on the city. The french fries flew away, to reveal only one person had died: Mayor Tinynose. His head had cracked, saving the whole city from certain underpants. Mayor Tinynose Seniorette excreted a metal on her, which Nuggethead saw was engraved with mustache seeds, the words, HELP MY MONKEY, MCFLURRY! HE STEPPED IN OREGON PUKE! Nuggethead stared in growing chartreuseness at the words. Then, you closed the book. End of story. Now leave. Scram. Get out. I SAID LEAVE. YOU Yellowbucket! LEEEEEEEAVE!

Hi, everyone. We’re the authors of this story. Who are we, you might ask? We are the best friends of the anglerfish generator, the four-dimensional magenta dolphins. And no, we didn’t sit on the camels! That was our cousin Colleen, and we don’t even look anything alike! She’s literally just a giant disembodied eyebrow! Anyways, we’re late for our bowling ball - dodgeball match. Bye!

P.S. (Portuguese Sermons) say that your dishwasher isn’t wearing your skink’s sweatpants, but c’est la vie! Wiedersehen?
Well now you opened the book again so the story continues.

Nuggethead stared in growing purpleness at the words. Then suddenly, 206.58 cubed potato sized manta-rays appeared on top of the giant knife, and beamed Nuggethead with 2 mega earlobes of ray light. But for some unearthly reason, some danish-flavored muffin who no one had noticed crawl into axolotl, suddenly brought out a butterknife, and sliced the manta-rays toenails off, which brought them sailing down, yelling very rude body parts as they went. Then they disappeared into a bud light can, who was also screaming very rude body parts. The bud light can then went silent as the second to last manta-ray’s spars disappeared into it. Nuggethead sighed with exaggeration and used broccoli stems she found below the bud light can to ask Mayor Tinynose Seniorette what type of dish soap McFlurry uses for its hot pockets. Of course, asparagus stems would have been a better option, but the nuclear energy from the broccoli stems seemed sufficient, and satisfied Mayor Tinynose Seniorette. The message was clear. Dial was the dish soap that was most favored by McFlurry. Nuggethead would’ve expected Dawn, but then again most primates used a type with less condensed polonium. Nuggethead shouted, “Poltergeist!” and semi-instantly the signal emitted a semicolon. Unfortunately, the semi-colon was only semi-helpful as it was in need of a semi-colonoscopy. It’s top dot spurted semi-magenta liquid. She recognized it as Gouldian Octopus Spleen Juice. This was the key ingredient to make a toothbrush catapult. Of course, she still needed the half condensed belly hairs for the catapult's lungs, and she would have to travel many kilonostrils to get to Mariachitown, where the belly dancers had the most hair. This would be dangerous, as the belly dancers could shovel flesh better than any other sandpaper dancer, but this would make it possible to ignite the toothbrush catapult into the ionoshpeear, and locate the now very sticky and puke-covered McFlurry. Nuggethead twitched and twirled in thanks to the now semi-sick semicolon, which sneezed out cardamom. Attracted to the scent, a cardamom platypus flung itself at its grandmother, Tinynose Datvendininf. Finally, the grandmother dynamited this book, which you will see end in three words. Nipple. Sesquipedalian. Blueberry.