by Max Barry

Latest Forum Topics

Advertisement

5

DispatchMetaReference

by The Isolationist Republic of Socialist Macronesia. . 62 reads.

I Rank Every F7 Movie

I'm sure everyone and their grandmothers have read the F7 Movies by now. And so I will be ranking them.

This tale, or more accurately disgusting parody that deserves to burn in hell, is a horrid corruption of lovingly inspired by Socialist Macronesia's comment in the N-Day 5 pinned thread, reproduced below:

New Wolvers: Why this feels like Expiration Date?
Socialist Macronesia: Ross has done nothing but teleport bread for three days. Also, he is still singing, this time he has been singing "You Can't Hurry Love." We thought he was going to pass out of exhaustion, but he planned ahead and snorted 300 mg of laboratory grade caffeine. He probably won't fall asleep for a few weeks.

- same concerned intern


In a fit of madness, I then reproduced a portion of the Expiration Date script but with the names swapped for some F7 nations' leaders. I've gone ahead and done the whole thing, now, as I'm bloody insane.

I would recommend reading it quickly, as to get the whole thing out of the way before it's begun. I despise and disown it, and you should too. Let us never speak of it again.

Those regions/nations and characters are,
Codex Ylvus: One of Harmonic Empire's million puppets, playing a turret.
Socialist Macronesia*, whose fault all this is: John Adam Ross, playing the Soldier.
New Carthagea: HRM Christophe, playing the Spy.
Santa Selena: Sandre Maint, playing the Scout.
Minskiev: Ivan Kovalenko, playing the Heavy.
Western Fardelshufflestein: Alastair IV, playing the Demoman.
Broader Confederate States: Bailey, playing the Engineer.
Godular: Ilia, playing the Sniper.
Zitravgrad: Dr. Nedelykov, playing the Medic.
Kiu Ghesik (hey, that's me!): Ari, daughter of Oloughin, playing the Pyro.
Silver Commonwealth: Supercomputer Tom, playing a button.
Shin-Mutsu: Her Imperial Majesty the Eternal Empress of the Realm, President of the Empire, Ito Sayuri, playing the Blonde Woman. Please don't execute me.
Las Palmeras: Montserrat Zorilla, playing Pauling.

To all of you, I'm sorry beforehand.

Here... we... go!

[The screen fades in to a shot of desert road, similar to Meet the Chiss. Light flute music plays with a soft drum accompaniment. A slow downwards pan to a crushed Bonk! can is punctured by a brass flourish. Suddenly, an F7 Bread truck screeches into view from the right, knocking away the can and fishtails, nearly ripping off its rear bumper. It continues down the left lane.]
[Cut to a right side view of the van. The camera pans from the rear towards the front while a heavy drum beat plays. The logo is pock-marked with bullet holes and the white paint has been scraped off the sides. The camera continues panning and steadies at the van's open air cab, revealing a sleeping Maint and Ivan hunched over at the wheel.]

[Interior shot of the cab. The windshield has bullet holes on the left and is completely knocked out on the right. Ivan's bulk is apparent on the left as compared to Maint's relaxed pose with his feet on the dashboard. Fuzzy dice adorn the rear view mirror. Ivan continues to drive the van on the right side of the road when the dashboard monitor begins to softly beep.]

[Cut to a side view of the right-hand side of the cab. Ivan looks disapprovingly at the sleeping Maint. He returns his eyes to the road. The dashboard beeps again and Ivan hits Maint without taking his glance off of the road. Shaken, Maint jerks awake.]

Maint: Gwaa! Bwaa! What?! What? Oh.

[Maint reaches over and with his right hand, pushes a button on the monitor. It is a video call from Montse.]

Montse: Maint, it's Zorilla. Tell me you got the briefcase.

Maint: Yeah sure.

Montse: And nobody saw you?

Maint: Ehhh. [He raises his hands and shrugs his shoulders] Basically nobody.

Montse: [Her expression darkens] Sandre, I'm here right now.

Maint: Well that's a funny story...

[The cab's rear door abruptly opens and Ross steps out, and with his right hand, hastily pushes Maint's face into his seat. Maint throws up his hands, Ivan is startled and momentarily loses control of the van, and Ross takes over the monitor.]

Ross: [brightly] Hello, Miss Zorilla! We killed everyone and took a briefcase!

[He brandishes an NS2 briefcase ]

Montse: Not everybody, Ross. You left seven witnesses, guys.

[A bloodied hand can be seen in the background reaching for help. Montse turns and shoots him with a silenced pistol. The hand collapses.]

Montse: [matter-of-factly] Six.

[The camera cuts to a rear shot of the van pulling into a dirt road flanked by rocky cliffs and several Harmonic Empire puppets and an F7-owned building in the distance. A dead NS2 soldier can be seen draped on the roof of the van. As the van drives in, a wooden prop of a cactus with some desert plants pops up and a painted curtain background falls into place, disguising the entrance.]

Montse: [she continues talking as the camera pans] Look, just keep the briefcase safe okay?

[Side shot of the van rolling down a ramp and pulling into a garage. The rear bumper falls off.]

Montse: Have a good weekend guys.

[Front shot of the van pulling into the garage. A Fardelshufflestein Puppet's boot can be seen sticking out from underneath of the hood which has a hood ornament reading "SWORD". Ivan looks harassed and brings the vehicle to a stop. The dead NS2 soldier slides off the roof. Ivan leaves the keys in the ignition and exits the van.]

Ross: [his hand still covering Maint's face] Goodbye, Miss Zorilla! I'm leaving the van now. (Note: captions read "Mrs. Zorilla")

[Ross disappears into the rear of the van and the door slides closed behind him. Cut shot to Maint who looks relieved at the hand being removed from his face. He adjusts his hat and headset with both hands. He looks back at the door.]

Maint: Bye bye. Okay then.

[The background music stops and the van grows quiet. Maint turns back to the monitor.]

Maint: Hey, hey Miss Zorilla! Before you go. Ahh-

Montse: Uh huh?

[She is dragging a body. He stammers and scratches his face.]

Montse: [distracted] Sandre? What? Say something.

Maint: [regains confidence] You're probably real busy this weekend, right?

Montse: [finished with dragging body, she stands up and wipes the dirt from her hands] Funny you should mention that. Um. Looks like I will be... burying bodies all weekend. [she grabs a Fire Axe and brings her face closer to the camera] So you don't go to jail.

Maint: [stammering] Oh g-good. So...we're both busy.

[Cut to Miss Pauling on the monitor. She looks at him quizzically in silence. He returns the glance awkwardly. Suddenly a siren can be heard in the background with guards shouting. Miss Pauling reacts and turns hurriedly from the camera.]

Montse: Oh! Got to go.

[She disappears off-camera. Muffled shots can be heard. The monitor buzzes off. Cut back to the Scout with a pained expression on his face. Side view of cab with the Scout leaning back resignedly.]

Maint: Lot of people busy with busyness. (Note: caption reads "business")

[Ivan can be seen in the background, checking the fridge's contents. Christophe walks slowly, passing front of the camera left to right, cigarette in hand.]

Christophe: [smugly] Asking out that dial tone again, I see.

Maint: [sitting up and angrily gesturing] Go to hell, Christophe.

[He drops his demeanor and looks dejected. He looks down, then chuckles sadly to himself. He gets out of the van. Ivan takes a drumstick from the fridge and tosses it over his shoulder.]

[The camera pans slowly with Maint walking left to right from the van to the table. A medium tempo jazz instrumental starts with flute, piano, and drums. He tosses the keys in the air and deftly catches them. Ross attempts to extricate the Fardelshufflestein puppet's body from the hood of the van. Alastair takes a quick spin on the Teleporter and disappears. Ivan manages to find a Sandvich and leans contently on the fridge door and takes a bite.]

Maint: [gestures to the table which holds another Teleporter, a loaf of bread, and an ashtray] Hey, look at all this. What have you two eggheads been workin' on?

[Nedelykov and Bailey are discussing something, but turn to Maint when he addresses them. Maint tosses the keys. They both glare at him, ignoring the keys which clatter to the floor.]

Maint: Nice catch.

[Bailey turns to the Nedelykov. She turns to address Maint while Nedelykov steps back.]

Bailey: Yeah. Listen now... We've been running some experiments on the Teleporter.

[Bailey gestures with her head to the Teleporter. Ross wanders over, interested. Ivan remains at the fridge door, eating his Sandvich, but observing.]

Bailey: Well yeah. Y'all ought to take a look at this.

[The flute continues to trill in the background. Bailey picks up her PDA and activates the Teleporter; it starts whirring into action. Ross stands with his arms akimbo. Suddenly, another loaf of bread appears, silently hovering. Ivan is somewhat intrigued, but Ross is utterly amazed, reaching out with both hands to grab the loaf. Maint, however, is unimpressed.]

Maint: [disinterestedly while the background drum beats a steady tattoo] Wow. You can teleport bread. That is...big news. Um. Is Alastair back with the beer yet? Cause I...

[He turns back while Nedelykov breaks open the loaf with a sickening crunch. The interior of the loaf contains pulsating green lumps and teeth. Bailey winces while Maint yelps and throws his hands in the air. The background music stops]

Maint: Whoa! What the hell is that?!

Nedelykov: [cheerily, gesturing slightly with a half of the throbbing loaf] Nuclear bombs!

[Cut to Ivan. He suddenly looks concerned and stops eating his Sandvich. He eyes it worriedly.]

Bailey: [adjusting her bloody perfect suit] Y'all know what this means right?

[Ross suddenly grabs Maint by the neck and slams him onto the table.]

Ross: Arrghh! We cannot teleport bread anymore!

[He nearly chokes Maint and raises a hand as if to punch his face. Ivan still leans nonchalantly on the fridge door. Bailey intervenes, raising her hands.]

Bailey: Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Ross. [she places her hand on the Soldier's back and smiles] You teleport as much bread as you like.

[Her smile fades and she removes her helmet. Ominous sounding strings start up. Ivan looks at his Sandvich, sniffs it, shrugs, and continues eating.]

Bailey: That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya...Well. Died. Now would be a...good time.

[Suddenly, Christophe's voice is heard. Bailey turns. Cut to Christophe, languidly brandishing a cigarette from its case]

Christophe How long before these...bombs kill us?

Nedelykov: Vell, let's see. [he gestures, thinking out loud.] Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day...

[Cut to the rest of the team, Maint is still rubbing his sore neck, Ross stands stoically, Ivan still leans on the fridge door, Sandvich now half-eaten, and Bailey replaces her helmet, backwards as usual. Cut back to Nedelykov]

Nedelykov: Times four years. Minus...ve're not bread. Hmm.

[He turns abruptly. The Spy is startled]

Nedelykov: Three days. Yes.

[The strings rise to a crescendo while the camera dramatically zooms to Nedelykov's face. Deep chimes accent the moment]

Nedelykov: We all have three days to live.

[The strings slow then stop. Cut back to the team. Maint and Ivan look worried while Bailey looks down at the floor. Ross, confused, counts off: one, two...]

Alastair: Whooooooooo!! Woooooo!!

[He appears in a flash from the idle Teleporter. He triumphantly celebrates his arrival with a crate of beer with limes wedged in the necks, his Hamlet action figures on his vest removed to carry bottles. As he wobbles precariously on the Teleporter as it slows down, we can see that he is also festively clad in a sombrero and novelty Margarita shaped sunglasses while also carrying another beer]

Alastair: Woo. [he looks around at their faces] What?

[Expiration Date: F7 Edition Title Card]

[FORUM 7: 70 HOURS TIL N-DAY.
Cut to the NS FORUMS. It is now night and a lone Harmonic Empire puppet guards the entrance. A march-like drum beat plays]

[Cut to a close-up of a poker table. A cigar smolders in the ashtray while Christophe unceremoniously drops a metal pail. It is filled with note cards. A literal bucket list.]

Christophe: This is a bucket.

[Cut to a side shot of the world leaders at the poker table. With Alastair on the far right in the foreground grasping his bottle, everyone else is arranged counter-clockwise from him: Ari, Ilia, Ivan, Maint, Ross, and Christophe on the right foreground. Everyone is wearing an odd watch with a large digital display. Half-standing, Ross examines the bucket.]

Ross: Dear God.

Christophe: There's more.

Ross: [astonished] No!

Christophe: [ignoring him] It contains the dying wish of everyone here. [turns] Maint. You did collect everyone's dying wish?

Maint: Oh, you bet!

[He salutes. Ivan slowly folds his arms.]

Christophe: Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

[Cut to a close-up of the watch. Red embossing tape declares it a "NUKE CLOCK". The display beeps as the various leaders set their watches. It reads 70:00:00. 70 hours left to live and counting. Taps-like trumpet-playing is heard.]

[All the leaders are expressionless except for Ivan who is on the verge of falling asleep with his arms folded. Christophe steps from the front of the table and walks from right to left, lit cigarette in his right hand, and the left firmly clasped behind his back.]

Christophe: We have seventy hours to live. For most men, no time at all.

[The camera cuts to a shot of Christophe walking behind Ivan's back. A Payload Pinball machine can be seen in the background. The music swells from mournful to patriotic. He places a hand on Ivan's shoulder, jerking him awake. Ivan momentarily looks guilty.]

Christophe: We are not most men.

[Christophe now walks behind the table. The camera pans to a shot showing all the leaders gathered around the table intently focusing on his words.]

Christophe: We are world leaders. We have the resources. The will. To make these hours count! [he gestures emphatically with his lit cigarette while the trumpets and drum beats swell]

Christophe: [sudden close-up while the background music cuts off] The clock is ticking, gentlemen. Let's begin.

[Reverse shot with the bucket in the foreground. The leaders' expressions show varying degrees of interest. Christophe draws a note card from the bucket.]

Christophe: Our first dying wish is Maint's. [he gestures] He's...

[Christophe examines the card. His brow wrinkles]

Christophe: ...drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.

[The drawing is somewhat crude. The muscle car is drawn in much greater detail than Christophe who is thrown up into the air, becoming disemboweled with blood spurting everywhere.]

Christophe: [he peers closer] I have something radiating off of me.

Maint: Yeah, those are stink lines.

[He turns to the rest of the leaders in a mock whisper. Ivan is mildly amused.]

Maint: That's why the car hit him. Cause he smells.

Christophe: [rolling his eyes as he draws another card] Yes I see. Here you've drawn me having...

[The camera tastefully remains on his face.]

Christophe: [somewhat bemused] ...sexual congress with the GRAIL building... [he tosses it and draws another while the Scout giggles] The GRAIL building having sexual congress with me. [toss and giggle] Both of us relaxing post-coitus.

[Alastair confusingly mouths "post-coitus" and Maint is nearly in tears with laughter.]

Christophe: [growing more irritated] I'm crying and the GRAIL building has stink lines coming off of it. [he angrily throws the card down] Did anyone besides Sandre put a card into the bucket?!

[Ivan and Ilia are slightly amused. Maint is near breathless with laughter.]

Maint: [giggling] Oh man, Classic Maint.

Christophe: [sighing] Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.

Ross: [pulling out a card] You did not read mine!

Christophe: [another sigh] Does it say you want GRAIL reparation money the bucket?

Ross: [interrupting] Yes!

[Disgusted, Cristophe slides the bucket, and a handful of pocket change, over as the rest of the leaders get up to leave. Ross greedily grabs the pail with both hands. The camera moves to an overhead shot of the now-empty table as Christophe pulls his Cigarette Case from his jacket and draws a cigarette.]

Christophe: See you all in hell. [he snaps the case shut]

[The camera switches to the leaders walking down a hallway. Ross stops and examines his new bucket filled with cash next to a sign pointing to the "LAB". Mid-tempo mysterious music plays with rhythmic drums, piano, and plucked strings. Bailey and Nedelykov walk by pushing Teleporters and piles of bread on two carts to the lab. A loaf of the bread falls off of the pile and Ross gasps and grabs his bucket more tightly. The camera spotlights the loaf with ominous bass piano notes. A grin appears on his face as he stares at the fallen loaf. The screen cuts to black.]

[CHRISTOPHE'S SMOKING ROOM: 58 HOURS TIL N-DAY Cut to rear shot of Christophe sitting back in his leather arm chair. The room is dimly lit with moonlight and the warm glow of the fireplace. Christophe swirls his cut crystal glass and takes a drink whilst reading "Bombed-Out Berbers Monthly" magazine, as the track of the same name plays in the background. Someone knocks on his door.]

Christophe: Go away.

[He flips a page and frowns. Maint opens the door and peeks in.]

Maint: Hey, ah, you got a second?

Christophe: Oh, Sandre. Please. Go [EXPLETIVE REDACTED TO PLEASE DADDY MAX] yourself.

Maint: [nervously] Yeah. Hey that's, that's funny. Um. Anyway I-

[Christophe suddenly lunges towards the door, slamming it shut on Maint's body. He leans on it trying to force Maint out.]

Maint: [in pain] Wait! Wait! Wait! Ow. Come on, Chris!

[Christophe raises his knife, threateningly]

Maint: I'm wedging my head through a door here to tell you I'm sorry.

Christophe: [rolls his eyes and gets off the door, light chimes and strings play] Make it quick. [he lights a cigarette]

Maint: [straightening himself out] So, I did write down a last wish. [he brings out a card] I'd uh. I'd like to go on a date...with Miss Zorilla.

Christophe: [turns] You? You're terrible with girls.

Maint: What? No. No. No. Chrissy boy, look at this. And this. And this here. Chris, look at all of this. [he gestures to different parts of his body and spins around] Heh. No. I'm great with girls.

[Scene flashes back to a cheap fast food joint. Maint and a short, pale, evil-looking woman are standing at a counter with buckets of "The Souls of the Damned" brand nuclear arsenals.]

Maint: We both got buckets of nukes. Wanna destroy some third-world nations?

Her Imperial Majesty the Eternal Empress of the Realm, President of the Empire, Ito Sayuri: [shrugs] Eh, okay.

[Scene switches back to Christophe and Maint.]

Maint: [frantic yet hushed strings play] But you, Chris-man. You are amazing with ladies. You know, classy ones. The kind that smell good, and... can read. And that always have their glasses on just kind of crooked. You know? The ones that don't go for a guy like me.

[Christophe looks at Maint with a smug grin.]

Cristophe: Hmm, and why is that, do you think?

Maint: C'mon, Chris-dog, I don't know.

Christophe: Well, a mystery we will take to our graves then. Goodbye.

[Christophe walks away to pour a drink. The bar has several bottles of Tunisian wine, glasses, and a console. He selects a rocks glass to pour a hard liquor.]

Maint: Wait. Wait. Ah. [sigh] Okay. Look. Fine. Your Majesty. This never leaves this room [sigh]. You are better than me. All right? I need your help.

[Christophe stops pouring, looks up, and turns towards Maint.]

Christophe: I'll do it. On one condition.

[Christophe pushes a button on the console and a microphone pops up. He blows into it, causing feedback which reverberates throughout the building. The camera goes from the poker table with Alastair drinking, Ivan and Ilia dozing, and Ari reading a magazine; to Nedelykov and Bailey in a lab, with the nuclearized bread; and to Ross carrying away a giant pile of bread loaves in his arms. All perk up to the sound of feedback on the speakers.]

Christophe: Say that [pushes microphone towards Maint] again.

[The strings hold, then fade as the scene cuts to black.]

[Suddenly, it snaps back into focus.]

Christophe: Wait, isn't Zorilla married?

Maint: Oh, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED TO REMOVE MY HEAD FROM THE DEAT GUILLOTINE], she is! Ah, we'll just say this is some alternate canon where she ain't hooked up yet, yeah?

Christophe: I have no idea what you just said.

Fade to black.

[TRAINING GYM: 51 HOURS TIL N-DAY Camera slowly pans into a nearly empty gymnasium. Maint bounces on his feet on the right, looking nervous. Christophe calmly places a wine bottle on a cart and inspects two wine glasses. Behind him is a crash-test dummy, hanging on a stand. He places down a glass. Ominous bass strings play.]

[Maint coughs and Christophe delicately places the second glass down. He pushes the cart which rolls to a stop in front of Maint. It also holds a bucket of nukes, red roses, a vase, and a box of NSG chocolates.]

Christophe: [nonchalantly] Seduce me.

[Maint looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo.]

Maint: You?

Christophe: [pointedly] Seduce me.

Maint: What, Chris? I ain't gonna...

Christophe: SEDUCE ME!.

Maint: [taken aback] Right! Right. Okay. [He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried nuclear weapons and lets out a quick sigh.] Okay... [He walks up to Christophe.] H-hey there, good-lookin'... I got a bucket of nukes...

Christophe: [He slaps the nukes out of Maint's hands.] I'm not one of your fried bomb tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious... [Christophe takes the dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him.] You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me! [He uses the dummy to slap Maint across the face, who looks up at him with a hurt expression in his eyes. Christophe simply looks down at him with a smug grin on his face. An upbeat, funky jazz track starts playing.]

[The camera cuts to a shot of Christophe and Maint in a classroom setting. The word DINNER is written on the chalkboard as Christophe says something to Maint. Later, Maint can be seen sitting at the head of a long banquet table. At the other end, Alastair and Ilia can be seen playing the Piano and Saxophone, respectively. Behind him, Ari and Christophe are holding a bottle of wine and a bucket of nukes. Maint reaches for the bucket of nukes with a grin on his face, but Christophe slaps his hand away. The fork flies out of his hand and lands on Alastair's beer belly, whose eyes immediately widen.]

[Cut back to Christophe and Maint in the classroom, only this time DANCING is written on the chalkboard. Back in the previous room, Maint can be seen awkwardly dancing energetically. He points both his fingers at Christophe, who merely shakes his head with disgust. Christophe proceeds to show Maint the proper way to dance, while Maint looks on in confusion. He attempts to mimic Christophe's actions, but instead sends the dummy flying into the Reel-to-Reel player behind them.]

[In the classroom, the word DEMEANOR is now written on the board as Christophe continues to educate Maint, who is busy drawing a picture of Christophe being tried in the Hague. He hits Maint in the face with the pointer, who reels back in pain.]

[Maint can be seen reading a book titled Pick-up Lines for Nuclear Warfare Junkies. A can of BONK! (go to horny jail!) is set in front of him. Jump cut to the future, and a pile of books has begun to accumulate around Maint, who has a pencil clenched between his teeth. More cans of BONK! (go to horny jail!) can be seen littered around the room, and he is now reading a book titled Dating Nice Girls Who Aren't Dictatorial Oppressors. Another jump cut, and the pile of books has been turned into a makeshift throne, which Maint reclines in it, a more confident expression on his face.]

[Cut to Maint back at the banquet table, and he extends his pinkie out as he holds the bombs. Later, he can be seen gently kissing the hand of the dummy as Christophe watches. Maint then can be seen dancing around the room with the dummy. He lowers the dummy down, holding onto its back with one hand as he looks up to Christophe, who nods his head in approval. The head of the dummy falls off as the music reaches a crescendo, and Christophe eyes it with a bemused expression on his face. Cut to black.]

[TRAINING GYM : 2 HOURS TIL N-DAY Floodlights come to life, illuminating Maint, who is sitting in a classroom chair in the middle of a wrestling ring. After a brief delay, he raises his hand in front of him to shield his eyes from the bright lights.]

Christophe: Final Question... [Cut to a shot of Christophe, who is silhouetted against the floodlights.] You have a dinner date for seven... what time do you arrive? [He walks across the ring, awaiting Maint's answer.]

Maint: Seven. A.M. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him. [He motions throwing a snake with his right hand. Christophe can be seen walking around Maint as the camera rotates around him in the opposite direction.] Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30...

[Christophe looks down at Maint, and after a few seconds of thought, speaks...]

Christophe: You're ready.

Maint: [hopeful] Really?

Christophe: [chucking softly] No. Everything you just said was insane... and, we are out of time. [He sets a glass of liquid in front of Sandre.] Congratulations. You're a failure.

Maint: Oh... [He stands up, bringing the desk with him. He sits back down and slides out of his chair. Christophe rolls his eyes and shakes his head in amusement.] I failed, did I?

Christophe: [grinning] Yes.

Maint: Did I?

Christophe: Yes...

Maint: Did I?

Christophe: [Annoyed] Sandre, where is this going?

Maint: Where it's going is I don't need you. I'll put this date on myself!

Christophe: [An expression of disbelief crosses his face] Yourself...?

Maint: That's right, fancy pants, myself! [Christophe's mouth twitches as he stops himself from laughing] So why don't you take your little failure, roll it up sideways, and- [Christophe taps his watch, voicelessly reminding Maint of the death watch] -Okay, crap, I gotta go... [He quickly downs the rest of his drink and begins to walk off-screen, but leans back towards Christophe.] You're still gonna hang for war crimes, though... [He walks by an alarm that's labeled In Case of Briefcase theft, push button. He does so.]

Supercomputer Tom: Beep, boop, are you sure?

Maint: Of course I'm sure, I'm the number one Selenan chess champion. Who do ya think you're talking to?

[He turns around, casually hits the button with his fist, and points at Christophe as he walks away. Klaxons start going off and red alarm lights begin flashing.]

[Fade to a shot of the Medic's Laboratory.]

[MEDIC'S LAB : 1 HOUR TIL N-DAY]

[The blackboard has the results of previous teleporter experiments written on it. The camera slowly pans to the left, revealing Bailey and Nedelykov with a pair of teleporters set up between them. As Nedelykov inspects the teleporter, Bailey calls out to him.]

Bailey: Y'all ready?

Nedelykov: [Turning to Bailey] Ready!

[Bailey picks up a loaf of bread. The bombs are now plainly visible on the outside. She sniffs it briefly, then recoils backwards, making a noise of disgust. She places the bread on the teleporter, and it disappears in a flash of light. About a second later, it reappears in front of Nedelykov, and begins chittering loudly, squirming in place.]

Nedelykov: Ooh!

[Nedelykov leans forward with interest. The bread grows teeth and roars at Nedelykov, who lets out a scream of fear as the bread creature leaps at his throat and latches onto it. Nedelykov continues to scream as he grabs onto the bread creature and attempts to pry it off.]

Bread: For the Potato Army!

Bailey: Aww hell...

[Bailey walks off-camera as energetic drums start to play in the background. Cut to a shot of Montse on a scooter, speeding towards Forum 7. A body bag and shovel can be seen strapped to the back of it. She ramps off the wooden bush and flies right through the curtain. A look of determination can be seen on her face. She comes to a stop outside a steel plate door and hops off of the scooter, shotgun in hand.]

[F7 : 40 MINUTES TIL N-DAY]

[As Montse walks towards the door, the scooter falls onto its side. The severed hand of what is presumably another Fardelshufflestein puppet falls out of one of the bags. Montse briefly turns towards the scooter, as if to set it back upright, but instead continues on towards the door. She places her back up against the wall to the left of the door and glances upwards briefly.]

Montse: [Quickly] You're ready. Alright. [She lets out a deep breath, cocks the shotgun, and pushes the door open, spinning around and bringing the shotgun to Maint's chest, who's waiting for her there.]

Maint: [unconvincingly] Miss Zorilla. What an unexpected surprise.

Montse: They took the briefcase... Don't worry, we can fix this. [She pushes past the Scout, who follows her.] We'll get it back, and Max Barry never has to know.

[A security camera tracks their movements as Montse adjusts her glasses.]

Maint: You look... You look... aahhhhhh...

[Close up of the camera, then cut to a shot of Alastair, Ross, and Christophe in a room full of monitors, watching the two interact. Christophe is sitting in the chair in front of the monitors while Ross and Alastair stand behind him.]

Alastair: DRUNK!

Ross: Round! Soft! No, round!

Alastair: Blurry!

[Christophe shakes his head, lowers his eyes, and brings his fingers to his temple in annoyance. Cut back to Maint and Montse.]

Maint: ...Ravishing.

Montse: [Briefly glancing over at Maint] Uh-huh. You too. [Brief flash over to Christophe, whose gaze returns to the monitor.] Hold on... That's the briefcase right there... Sandre, you... [She turns to Maint, then she notices something off-screen.] Maint, are we having a prom?

[Cut to a shot of the room behind them, which is decorated with ribbons, balloons, streamers, and various themed decorations while rocking jazz music plays. One of Nedelykov's doves can be seen sitting in a birdcage hanging from the ceiling.]

Maint: Yeah. Nah. Yeah-ah. Well the... Yeah, the thing is...

[Cut to a shot of Ross, Christophe, and Alastiar watching the monitors. Ross has a grin on his face, Alastair looks concerned, and Christophe looks very worried. Suddenly Bailey bursts in through the door behind them.]

Bailey: Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread and nations that join factions that get nuked!

Nedelykov: [Appearing behind Bailey] It's not even nukes! It's some form of self-aware potato that only metastasizes in an environment of pure yeast-brain. Here, watch this.

[Nedelykov shakes up the jar he's carrying, which contains the bread creature from earlier. It spins around in the jar and comes to a stop.] Ooh, look! It hates me so much! [The bread creature attempts to bite Nedelykov again as Ross leans in for a closer look. The bread creature flips itself in the jar and gnashes its teeth at the bottom of the container, and Ross chuckles to himself at its actions. Bailey walks up to Ross and Nedelykov and places her arms around their shoulders.]

Bailey: [Laughing] So, we're fine. As long as nobody teleports any bread.

Ross: Question.

Bailey: What's your question, President?

Ross: I teleported bread.

Bailey: You what?

Ross: You told me to.

Bailey: [Threateningly] How... much...?

Ross: [Leaning backwards] I have done nothing but snort caffeine and teleport bread for three days.

[Nedelykov throws the jar containing the bread/potato creature onto the ground. Shattering glass can be heard.]

Nedelykov: Where?! [He grabs Ross by his coat.] Where have you been sending it?!

[An ominous rumble shakes the entire base as the group look up at the ceiling. Cut to Maint and Montse, who are also looking up at the ceiling.]

Montse: Sandre... I get one day off a year. And you just wasted it on-- [She looks around her, pausing mid-sentence.] --this! Goodbye!

Maint: Wait! Wait! Wait! Ah... [Maint walks towards a door labeled Dining Area.] Why don't we discuss it over dinner...? (Note: captions read "diner")[He opens the door to reveal the maw of a giant bread monster, who lets out a loud roar, all while an epic orchestra plays.]

Montse: [Yelling] What the hell is that!?

[The bread monster crashes through the door as Maint pulls Montse out of harm's way. The two run for the exit as the bread monster lunges after them, crashing through a wall. Maint backs up as one of the tentacles swipes at him. The dove from earlier flies at the monster and is promptly eaten by it. The wooden platform they're standing on creaks from the weight of the monster. Both Maint and Montse look down at the wood below them. Another jolt knocks them off their feet. Now weakened, the wooden platform collapses, sending the trio plummeting to the dirt below. Montse tumbles unceremoniously to the ground, helmet falling off of her head. Maint, meanwhile, bounces off the bread monster and lands on his feet in a battle stance. He glances down to his right, and picks up a long piece of twisted metal with a spike on the end of it to use as a makeshift weapon.]

Maint: [Under his breath] Not a snake, but it'll do... [Turning to Montse] Miss Zorilla, run!

[Maint motions for her to escape to safety. Montse climbs to her feet and darts away, pressing herself up against the Harmonic Empire nuclear barrage. Ivan, Nedelykov, and Ari rush to the aid of Maint and Montse. Ivan and Nedelykov pause and look at the bread monster with fear in their eyes.]

Ivan: [Turning to Nedelykov] NOW, DOCTOR!

[Nedelykov looks at Ivan, then flips open his briefcase to pull out a picture of Alastair. He waves it in Ivan's general direction, causing Ivan to enter a passionate frenzy. Ivan pulls out a Vatican-made AK-47 and rushes at the bread monster, screaming descriptions of his love for Alleyoop. Ari can also be seen plunging a dozen knives into the bread monster at once. It smashes the cliff face with a tentacle, causing rock to come tumbling down on Ivan, who endures the debris pounding down on his back.]

[Cut to a shot of Montse watching the battle. Ari can be seen dashing back to the battle, having presumably been knocked back by the bread monster. Montse steps forward and turns to look at the Harmonic puppets. The camera zooms in on the top of the puppets where the words HAHA GET REKT N00BS are spray-painted onto it. A look of realization appears on her face.]

[Cut back to the battle, and Ari stomps on one of the tentacles. The bread monster turns his attention towards Ari, and immediately has its mouth filled with knives and horse-hair. It recoils in pain, letting out a loud roar. Maint can be seen dodging the tentacles, jumping onto one and using his makeshift weapon to impale one of them. In the background, Ivan and Nedelykov push forward while Bailey and Alastair stay behind to deploy legally-permitted firearms and scream Shakespeare quotes at the bread monster, respectively. Bailey stuffs her allotted 250 pounds of TNT down the barrel of her Recreational Artillery Cannon, and she motions for Alastair to move up.]

[Montse has now removed the panel off of the trigger mechanisms of the puppets, and can be seen frantically messing with the wires. Maint, meanwhile, runs up to the side of the bread monster and slams his not-snake into it. He is then grabbed by a tentacle and yanked into the air. Ilia arrives at the battle, and after a brief moment of aiming, shoots the tentacle holding Maint with her trusty super-high-tech oblitatron antimatter cannon, freeing him from its grasp and not destroying the beast outright due to plot demands. The monster throws Maint at Alastair, and they both collapse onto the ground. Maint scrambles to his feet and rushes forward, but is stopped by Christophe.]

Christophe: I think it's going pretty well... [He gives Maint a pat on the back as a cloud of dust rolls over them.] Now go...! [He waves Maint off and runs forward into battle. Maint turns back to Montse.]

Maint: Hey, Miss Zorilla. Oh, I am so sorry...

Montse: [Looking up from the wires] God, Sandre, what for? Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press? Do you realize why Tom was sitting on it? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that-- [Montse spots the watch on Maint's arm] --Oh, oh! Give me your watch! [She holds her hand out expectantly]

Maint: Yeah. Exactly! [He removes the watch from his arm and gives it to Montse] See, that is where this all starts! No, actually, wait...

[Maint is interrupted by a scream, and Ross flies into the hangar and lands on the ground.]

Ross: [proudly] HA HA HA! I TELEPORTED BREAD! I'M GOING TO BE AWAKE FOR THE NEXT EIGHT DAYS!

[Ross is grabbed by a tentacle, dragged over towards the monster, and then thrown into a pile of broken lumber. In the distance, a tentacle knocks over both Ari and Alastair as Bailey hastily backs up to avoid another tentacle. Ilia attempts to take another shot at the monster but instead is lifted into the air by a tentacle that has grabbed a hold of the barrel of the Big Guntm. She gets swung to one side and loses her grip on her gun. Ilia tumbles through the gravel briefly before getting back to her feet and taking out her Big Knifetm. She's about to rush forward to attack the monster but pauses as the puppet pile trundles into view.]

Maint: ...so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this...

Montse: GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS! [She points at the hangar they just exited from.]

[Bailey looks at her, then abandons her field gun with a tear in her eye to rush into the hangar. Nedelykov runs in front of the camera as it focuses back on Maint and Montse.]

Scout: Miss Zorilla. Look, my last few hours I just wanted...

[The bread monster grabs a hold of the puppets and swings them up in the air. It lets out another roar.]

Ivan: [Struggling to keep the blast doors open] COME ON!

Maint: Um, never mind...

Montse: RUN!

[The two rush towards the hangar, but are blocked by the monster, which throws the puppets in front of the door, blocking it.]

Maint: Oh God...

[They back up towards the blast doors as the bread monster lumbers towards them slowly. A large fire has broken out behind it. Cut to a close-up of Maint and Montse. Maint is busy searching for an escape route while Montse has a look of terror on her face. Maint grabs a hold of her and yanks her off to one side as the bread monster knocks the bomb around. They take shelter behind it. Maint looks at the monster, which lets out a long roar. Fast zoom to the inside of its mouth, and the dove it swallowed earlier is seen sitting inside it. Maint and Montse look on, amazed, as the dove takes off and flies away.]

[Montse looks Maint in the eyes, grabs a hold of his arm, and gives him a nod of approval. She lets out a yelp as one of the bread monster's tentacles slams into the ground. Maint grabs a hold of her and, making use of the dance moves he learned from Christophe, pulls her out of the way of the bread/potato/nuke/whateveritis monster. They stop as he holds her up and looks at her. She looks back at him for a few moments, then shoots an oncoming tentacle with the gun in her hand. He twirls her back onto her feet and the two start running.]

[Cut to a close-up of the timer, which ticks down to two seconds. Maint and Montse run at the bread monster as she lets out a yelp. The timer ticks down to one second as they leap straight into the open maw of the monster. It closes its mouth as the puppets all fire off their nukes. A bright flash of light can be seen engulfing the monster, then the screen cuts to black.]

[A match is lit, revealing Maint and Montse trapped in a dark enclosed space.

Maint: [Struggling] Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Zorilla, you all right?

Montse: [Opening her eyes] I can't feel anything below my neck...

Maint: Oh God...

Montse: Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.

Maint: Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...

Montse: That... was so... much... FUN! [She smiles.]

Maint: [A look of confusion on his face] You're not mad?

Montse: [quickly] I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we detonated a puppet swarm and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

Maint: Yeah, sure! [He smiles, then frowns] Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.

Montse: [Confused] Wait, what?

Ross: [Poking his head into the cavity] Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

[Ivan lifts up the side of the monster's body, allowing light to flood over Maint and Montse.]

Nedelykov: I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with nuclear bombs!

Maint: Oh thank God. [relaxes and chuckles] So yeah, Miss Zorilla. I guess it's a date.

Montse: Actually this is my only day off this year.

Maint: Oh...

Montse: Oh, but you can ride along with me on some jobs. [brings out a flip notebook]

[The camera slowly pulls back to reveal the body of the monster, which now lays motionless. Bailey and Nedelykov are seen at the bottom of the shot discussing something. Christophe flicks open his smoke kit, plucks a cigarette out of it, then snaps it closed again. Ivan pockets the picture of Alastair, then walks over to Alastair himself, who is carrying a case of beer under his arm. Ilia is on the backside of the monster, cleaning her incredibly terrifying weaponry. As the camera pulls back farther, Ari can be seen coming into the shot, who has the small bread monster darting around her legs like a puppy as she tries to keep track of it.]

Montse: Tomorrow...I'm belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.

Maint: Ah, no.

Montse: Oh! You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads.

Maint: No to that.

Montse: Well, on Friday I got to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and...oh.

[Cut to black]

Montse: You're already going to be at that one.

[The screen then cuts to a text with the NationStates: Free to Play logo with the sharp tolling of a bell. Another ring comes with the appearance of the text "www.nationstates.net". The bell rings a third time and the screen blacks out again]

*Please don't end me for making an F7 movie.

Read dispatch


Expiration Date: F7 Edition

I know this is supposed to be bad, but Kiu certainly wasn't lying. While it does star, directly copied from the credits:

Codex Ylvus: One of Harmonic Empire's million puppets, playing a turret.
Socialist Macronesia*, whose fault all this is: John Adam Ross, playing the Soldier.
New Carthagea: HRM Christophe, playing the Spy.
Santa Selena: Sandre Maint, playing the Scout.
Minskiev: Ivan Kovalenko, playing the Heavy.
Western Fardelshufflestein: Alastair IV, playing the Demoman.
Broader Confederate States: Bailey, playing the Engineer.
Godular: Ilia, playing the Sniper.
Zitravgrad: Dr. Nedelykov, playing the Medic.
Kiu Ghesik (hey, that's me!): Ari, daughter of Oloughin, playing the Pyro.
Silver Commonwealth: Supercomputer Tom, playing a button.
Shin-Mutsu: Her Imperial Majesty the Eternal Empress of the Realm, President of the Empire, Ito Sayuri, playing the Blonde Woman. Please don't execute me.
Las Palmeras: Montserrat Zorilla, playing Pauling.

It is still a blantant copy-paste search-replace, much like the OG F7 Movie.

It does have its moments, but overall, you can tell it was supposed to be cringe.

This is based on the 1985 movie Clue. A large part of the story here is ripped straight from the transcript of said movie. You should probably watch it, but ehh.

This movie specifically stars the leaders of Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross), Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair), Godular (Sarathress), Wuchu (Kotera), Las Palmeras (Montse), Zitravgrad (Feodora), and New Carthagea (Christophe II). Valentine Z makes an appearance, also. If you haven't already, check them out. Although to be honest, I doubt anyone who doesn't already know them will get any of the jokes here. Anyway, shout out to you all for being influential F7 players.

Anyway, if you hate the way I made your character, want to send me death threats, or would like to declare war on me, I just cleaned out my TG box so you can complain there if you want to. This is satire, though, so don't get mad because I made a little fun of people's leaders, yada yada yada. Or that the mods make an appearance. Or that the movie jumps around some scenes to get to the best ones.

Thank you, and enjoy. Or don't.


ROSS
Kotera, you run a Twitter blog talking about your experiences in Wuchu and beyond. You've come up quite a bit in recent weeks.

KOTERA
Yes, but now I post in Forum Seven.

ROSS
So your work has not changed.
But you stopped posting in Forum Seven for almost a week. You were DOS'd!"

MONTSE
Why? What did he do?

ROSS
You know what players aren't allowed to do with their World Assembly nations?

MONTSE
Yeah?

ROSS
Well, he did.

MONTSE
Ha!

SARATHRESS
Oh, how disgusting.

ROSS
(swooping down on her)
Are you making moral judgments, Mrs. Sarathress?
How, then, do you justify godmodding in RPs?

SARATHRESS
I am an FFT nation, there is nothing wrong with that!

ROSS
Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps.
But if the power you have is shown by refusing to even list numbers in your factbooks, what would you think of that?

MONTSE
I'd say it stinks.

SARATHRESS
Well, how would you know. When were you in that RP group?

KOTERA
So it's true!

SARATHRESS
(standing)
No, it's a vicious lie!

ROSS
I'm sure we're all glad to hear that.
But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that
story out of the papers.

FEODORA
(to Sarathress)
Well, I am willing to believe you.
I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.

CHRISTOHPE II
Me too.

ALASTAIR
And me.

MONTSE
Not me.

ROSS
You're not being blackmailed?

MONTSE
Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right.
But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

KOTERA
(with interest)
What did you do?

MONTSE
Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a weeb nation and I illegally sell alcohol on the black market.

KOTERA
(very interested)
Oh, yeah?
(pulling out a pen and notepad)
What's the nation?

Miss Montse rolls her eyes.

CHRISTOHPE II
So how did you know Alastair works in Washington?
Is he one of your clients?

ALASTAIR
(incredulous)
Certainly not!

CHRISTOHPE II
I was asking Miss Montse.

ALASTAIR
(to Montse)
Well, you tell him it's not true!

MONTSE
It's not true.

KOTERA
Is that true?

MONTSE
No, it's not true.

CHRISTOHPE II
Ha-hah! So it is true!

ROSS
A double negative!

ALASTAIR
Double "negative"? You mean you have--
(whispers to Montse)
Photographs?

ROSS
That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative
has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

ALASTAIR
Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

ROSS
You don't need any help from me, sir.

ALASTAIR
That's right!

Alastair realizes what he just said.

KOTERA
But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Alastair getting drunk and partying shirtless.

MONTSE
Oh, please.

ROSS
But he holds a sensitive government post in Western Fardelshufflestein.

Alastair burps.

ROSS
Mrs. Feodora, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer
ever since your citizens died under, shall we say,
mysterious circumstances.

Miss Montse laughs.

FEODORA
Why is that funny?
I didn't kill them.

ALASTAIR
Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

FEODORA
I don't want a scandal. They were all lunatics. They tried to kill me in public.

MONTSE
And was that their final word on the matter?

FEODORA
Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

ROSS
And yet they were the ones who died, not you, Mrs. Feodora, not you.

MONTSE
Do you miss them?

FEODORA
Well, it's a matter of life after death.
Now that they're dead, I have a life.

ROSS
But he was your second nuclear genocide. Your first nation also disappeared.

Christohpe II clears his throat and stands.

CHRISTOHPE II
I have something to say.
(pauses)
I'm not going to wait for Ross here to unmask me.
I am the president of New Carthagenia. And, I am part Tunisian.

Ross, wide-eyed, looks for Green's file.
Mrs. Sarathress clucks in disgust.

CHRISTOHPE II
I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must
keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds.
(pauses again)
. . . Thank you.


Montse opens her package.
A Nokia.

MONTSE
A Nokia? What's this for?

Mrs. Feodora opens her box and reveals a Davy Crockett nuclear bomb launcher, unloaded.

Christohpe II takes his box in one hand. He opens it and lets
the contents fall into his other hand.
A baseball bat.

Alastair opens his box and pulls out . . .
a bottle of whiskey.

Kotera takes the lid off his package and looks in.
He gingerly pulls out a Milkor MGL grenade launcher..

Finally, the camera reveals Mrs. Sarathress, who is twirling
a katana.

BODDY
In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon.

Mr. Boddy walks on camera and continues.

BODDY
If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated.
I'll see to that in court.
(pauses)
But . . . if one of you kills Ross now . . .

John Ross's eyes widen in shock.

BODDY
. . . no one but the seven of us will ever know.
He has the key to the front door, which he said would
only be opened over his dead body.
I suggest we take him up on that offer.

Mr. Boddy goes over to the light switch with deliberate ease.
He closes the door to the hall and sets his drink down.

BODDY
The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages
is for one of you to kill Ross.
Now.

He turns off the lights.

We hear noises.
Someone inhales raspily.
A thump and an explosion.
A scream.

The lights go up.
Mrs. Sarathress, who turned on the light, drops the katana in shock.

The camera reveals Mr. Boddy lying prone on the floor.

The doorbell is ringing.

The front door opens.
A giant woman is outside. She is dressed in a uniform with the flag of Valentine Z on it, and
strikes a pose as the door opens.

SINGING TELEGRAM GIRL
(singing)
I . . . am . . . your singing telegram--

The MGL fires.

She falls to the ground.

The door slams shut.

CHRISTOHPE II
But I didn't do it!
(pauses, realizing something)
The grenade launcher is missing!
Whoever's got the launcher, shot the girl!

Ross pulls the launcher from his pocket.

ROSS
I shot her.

ALL but CHRISTOHPE II
You?!

CHRISTOHPE II
(knowingly)
So it was you.
I was going to expose you.

ROSS
(to Christohpe II)
I know.
He was expendable, like all of you.
I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers.
Saved me a lot of trouble.
Now there's no evidence against me or my various war-crimes.

FEODORA
This all has nothing to do with my disappearing citizens
or Alastair's work with the new 101% ethanol program?

ROSS
(laughing)
No. That was just a red herring.

Ross runs to the front door,
keeping the revolving launcher trained on the party.

CHRISTOHPE II
But, the mods will be here any minute!
You'll never get away with this, any of you!

ROSS
Why should the mods come?
Nobody's called them.

SARATHRESS
You mean . . . oh, my God, of course!

ROSS
So why shouldn't we get away with it?
We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly
one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

Christohpe II takes off his glasses and starts to put them in his
jacket's inside pocket.

CHRISTOHPE II
And you'll just go on blackmailing us all.

ROSS
Of course.
Why not?

CHRISTOHPE II
Well, I'll tell you why not.

He whips a MGL from his jacket and fires.

Ross tries to get off a grenade but is far too slow.

The butler is hit.
ROSS
(shocked)
Good shot, Chris.

Ross slides down the closet door to the floor.
He looks at his lack of a chest.

ROSS
Very good . . .

Ross dies.

Christohpe stands fully, lowering the launcher.
He already looks more confident than he has yet during the night.

Mrs. Feodora steps up to him.
He points the launcher at her.

CHRISTOHPE II
(he pulls out a badge)
Moderation. That phone call from Reploid Productions was for me.


THE END
Now go do something productive.

Read factbook


F7 Movie

The F7 movie was a great start for the franchise, but horribly outdated by today's standards. It was also a direct CP/SR of Clue, but I think the Clue aspect gets it higher than the Expiration Date clone. It stars:

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
Valentine Z (Val)

While the murder mystery part is pretty good, it is largely incomplete and overall close to the Expiration Date clone in rating.

F7: Reloaded

Starring:

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
The Supreme Vatican Caliphate (Abdul II, yes this is my own account)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)
Empirical Switzerland (Lord Bodie)
Harmonic Empire (Puppet Guards)

Cut to F7 leaders on a dock, with a cruise ship right next to them.

Ross: Whoís ready for a Caribbean cruise?

Ivan: You spent your Ďtaxí money on guards this time, right?

Marie eyes the floor.

Ross: Nope! I spent it on rum!

Alastairís eyes widen.

Alexander: Then whoís that guard over there?

Ross: Calling them a guard is kind of an overstatement. Remember, the police officers are terrible in murder mystery movies.

Abdul II: Movie? Are you filming this?

No, Iím writing it down. Shush.

Montse: So why did you make me fly all the way to the middle of the Pacific Ocean when I couldíve just stayed in the Caribbean?

Ross grins. Alastair puts on poker glasses upside down.

Alastair: So...I do declare, just like the Most Dangerous Game...*hiccup*

Marie: Oh Alastair, haha! I wonder who gave you an overdose of alcohol.

Everyone but Alastair looks at her.

Marie: What? Youíve never heard that phrase before?

Bailey: Hey, Iím supposed to be the one with weird phrases. Get your own.

The ship honks several times.

Ross: All aboard the SMS Orient Express!

Christophe: Thatís just in bad taste.

Guard: Sir, no Switzcoons on the ship. Stop trying to flirt your way out of this.

Cuts to everyone around the pool. Alastair is splashing around in a tube floaty. Sarathress is magically fixing the floaties Marie is stabbing holes in.

Ross: The lights went out! Oh no!

Ivan: Weíre outsi-

The lights go out.

Bailey: How are there no deaths?

Kotera: There was a murder...Alastairís murdering the dance floor!

Pan to Alastair half-breakdancing and half-having-a-heart-attack.

Ross: Come everyone! The barís open!

Ari: Ooga booga?

Ross: Yes, ooga booga. Hereís your shelf of vodka.

Alastair: Nameís...Bond, James Bond. A medium dry martini, lemon peel, on the rocks. Shaken, not stirred.

Sylvia: Weíll have some magic-

Julienne: -and suspicious fruit juice!

Ivan: Pappy.

Ross: English?

Stab.

Marie: Oh no, Alexanderís dead! The one Alastair was suspiciously just with!

Artur: Alastair, what happened?

Alastair: Oh look, a butterfly.

Ivan: Why are we bothering with this? Marieís the killer every time.

Marie eyes daggers at Ivan.

Ivan: Nah...plot diversity, haha. Ha.

Bodie: Donít worry, everyone. Iíll stand in the open, while you all stick together. The killer wouldnít kill me, Iím too hot.

Gunshot.

Christophe: Bodie, no! Iím too rich and Swedish for this, Iím out!

Ross: No, you canít leave! The partyís just begun!

Serena: Letís play some games!

Alastair: I call the dog!

Ivan: Cruise ship. How fitting.

Ross: Boot.

Sarathress: Top hat.

Stab.

Bailey: And now Sarathress is dead. Why does she always die exactly halfway through?

Abdul II: Halfway through WHAT?!

Explosion.

Ivan: Weird, Abdulís dead. Wonder how that happened.

Marie: You know, Ari is the one who loves knives. Itís not that much of a stretch to say that she was the murderer...

Drown?

Ross: Oh, Ariís dead in the pool. Probably because they canít swim.

Montse: Alright, everybody in a circle, so we can see everybody.

Ross: Alternatively, we could split up.

Bailey: Damn it.

Marie: Iíll go with Ivan!

Ivan: Most definitely not. You can, however, go to hell. Alastair, come.

Alastair falls on the floor. Itís no surprise that heís intoxicated.

Ross: Alright, letís split up, gang!

Christophe: Iím not in your gang, good sir. Pardon you.

Several cuts to the teams walking down alleyways, for some reason. Zoomed out pan of the boat nearing an island, while the moon is reflecting on the shimmering waves. Cut to Team F.

Ross: So howís your day been, Marie?

Marie: Thrilling.

Ross: Thatís good to know. Anyways, isnít it weird how youíre always super suspicious, Marie?

Stab.

Ross: Marie?

Cut to Team B.

Bailey: It seems like weíre the only two with any sort of common sense.

Montse: I know, right? It also seems like our names are that of British men.

Bailey: Yeah, very weird. Hell, Iím pretty sure most readers have forgotten that youíre actually female.

Cut to Team A.

Ivan: So Alastair, howís that medicine I sent you been working out?

Alastair: Haha, me too.

Cut to Team C.

Sylvia: Are we there yet?

Julienne: Are we?

Sylvia: I forgot.

Julienne: Hmm. Oh. Are we there yet?

Sylvia: Are we?

Julienne: I forgot.

Cuts to Team D.

Serena: You know, you never celebrate my birthdays.

Artur: How am I supposed to guess the right amount of candles? I donít know how old you are.

Cut to Team E.

Christophe: So, what have you been up to?

Kotera: The real question is what is or isnít real.

Christophe: Look, weíre not in Inception.

Christophe: Look, weíre not in Inception.

Kotera: Hold on...I see a body! And I hear footsteps!

Cut to Team D.

Serena: What was that? I heard voices and footsteps.

Artur: Oh my god, itís a body! They did it!

Cuts to Team E.

Christophe: I hear Artur! He killed...Marie?!

Kotera: Woah, it wasnít her. How mind-blowing.

Artur: You murderers!

Christophe: Me?! You murdered them! Kotera saw!

Artur: Serena saw!

Kotera: Who was with Marie anyways?

Serena: Ross...

Christophe: No...

Cut to Team A.

Ivan: You know A-money, I...*burp*...I like it too.

Cut to the pool.

Christophe: John Adam Ross! Explain yourself!

He holds up Marieís corpse.

Ross: No, it wasnít me! Iím the protagonist, remember!

Well, this is my movie, so. Not really. But, carry on.

Gunshot.

Serena: Artur no!

Ivan: Every damn time. Everyone, alibis.

Sylvia: Julienne and I were near the gym, and we didnít see anyone.

Julienne: I can confirm.

Alastair: The green man took me on the...roller...roller...rollercoaster.

Kotera: I was...reading. While walking.

Christophe: I heard Artur and Serenaís footsteps near the body of Marie.

Serena: Well, Artur and I heard Kotera and Christophe talking near Marieís body as well. Also, we think itís you, Ross. You were her partner.

Ross: Itís not me, I promise! She just disappeared on me!

Ivan: Hold on Big A, your wife just got murdered by an off-brand Chris McLean.

Alastair: Whom?

Stab.

Bailey: Montse no! No...no...no!

Julienne: Sorry for your loss. Then again, youíre like, what, 100 years apart?

Ross: I think I know who it isnít.

Ivan: Go ahead.

Ross: It isnít Sylvia or Julienne.

Stab. Stab. Both sisters drop dead.

Ross: It isnít Christophe or Serena.

Stab. Stab. Both drop dead.

Ross: And it isnít Bailey or Kotera, either.

Stab. Alternatively, gunshot. Both drop dead. Except for Kotera, his psychology textbook blocked the bullet or something.

Ross: Which means it can only be Randorn! Yes, Randorn, the only one who hasnít talked this entire time, I think. Randorn, the only solo member when we split up. He was the one who tracked down Marie and killed her. It was he who killed the others. He laid low and struck when he could. But why? Well, itís quite simple. He didnít have as much clout as the rest of us! He was jealous and thought by killing us, heíd become more prominent! Heíd be the one in the news, as the killer of F7. Well, it may have worked, if it wasnít for...my State Press! Socialist countries like myself donít HAVE free press! Weíre just going to censor your name! Muahahaha! Was I right, oh Randorn?

Randorn: ... you are good, but I am better.

Stab. Stab. Gunshot. All three drop dead.

Ivan: Yeah, good call on me to bring my Makarov PMM Mk. 2. Well, Iím sorry it had to end this way, Alastair. You had a good run.

Kotera gets up.

Ivan: Motherfu-

The credits roll.

Read dispatch


F7: Reloaded

Yeah, this one ain't great either. The dialogue to me was too short and snappy, the characters felt a bit flat, the length was tiny, but the parts that were good were, for the most part, pretty good.

Starring:
Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
The Supreme Vatican Caliphate (Abdul II, yes this is my own account)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)
Empirical Switzerland (Lord Bodie)
Harmonic Empire (Puppet Guards)

Starring:

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)

I did it again. As a show of love for the F7 community.

Same disclaimers as the last one. I MUST DISCLOSE, however, that this one is a bit... more risque. Not enough to break PG-13 but certainly NOT PG still. So warning on that.

And, as always, check the peeps up top out.

And feel free to send in reviews, good or bad.

Anyway, I have to sleep now, so without further ado:

F7 3: We're Going to Keep Making These Until I Have A Cerebral Hemorrhage

The movie starts with a black screen.

The screen fades to Ross's personal mansion, like in the last movie.

Ross appears. He is wearing the same suit he wore in the last movie also.

He walks into the ballroom, now empty. He goes to the front door, walks out, and locks it. He gets into his car and drives a short path through the forest.

He arrives at an airstrip, with a large C-45 jet on it. He drives up to it and gets out.

He goes to the trunk and takes out a suitcase. He carries the suitcase to the airstair and walks into the jet.

PILOT 1
Good evening, Mr. Ross.

ROSS
Has everyone arrived?

PILOT 2
Certainly.

ROSS
Thank you, men.

He walks into the main cabin. Inside are several world leaders.

ROSS
Good evening everyone.

ALL
(general greetings)

ROSS
As you may know, I have financed every single one of you to come with me to my island resort mansion to celebrate the (checks watch) like a couple week anniversary of our last little party. There will be food, booze, not murder, the usual. Now just back, and enjoy the flight.

Ross takes a seat next to Christophe, who is reading.

ROSS
What are you reading?

CHRIS
"The Hunt for Red October". Clancy. You read?

ROSS
Yes, I do.

Ross takes out a copy of the ULINE catalog.

Kotera stands up from the back.

KOTERA
You guys have any in flight snacks?

ROSS
We have crackers, cheese crackers, peanuts, pretzels, chocolate chip cookies, popcorn, chips, and Biscoff cookies.

KOTERA
I'll take the Biscoff.

Ross tosses him a bag.

The screens in front of everyone light up. It's the flight safety briefing.

MARIE
Why are the actors in this wearing fatigues?

ROSS
The C-45 is a military transport, this was just outfitted for civilian transport.

The cargo door in the back opens. Alastair drunkenly hobbles in.

MARIE
Oh, for God's sake, Alastair, why are you even here?

ALASTAIR (sober)
Comedic effect!

He falls down.

ROSS
Put him in the seat next to Ivan.

Ivan grins.

IVAN
Heyyy...

Alastair grins.

ROSS
If you two try to do anything on this flight, I will personally throw you out the door.

ALASTAIR
We'll see...

The aircraft taxis to the runway.

Ari and Randorn are both seated next to one another. Both are petrified.

ARI
Metal flying machine bad...

ROSS
Hold on for the bump.

RANDORN
What bu--

The aircraft violently shudders.

Kotera's Biscoffs fly up in the air, hit the ceiling, and smack back down in his lap.

MONTSE (remarkable composed)
Geez, is there a damn speed bump on the runway?

ROSS
No. A pothole.

BAILEY
And you didn't think to fix it?

ROSS
Not enough money in the budget.

BAILEY
Did you spend it all on the mansion?

ROSS
No, I had to buy the rights to "Shake, Rattle and Roll" for the last movie.

KOTERA
And how much did that cost?

ROSS
Five dollars.

Feodora takes out a cigarette.

MONTSE (uncomfortable)
Really?

FEODORA
Is there a smokers section or what?

ROSS
Yeah. Out on the wing.

SYLVIA
Can I have some cookies, please?

ROSS
Sure.

He throws a bag. Julienne intercepts it.

SYLVIA
Hey! No fair!

Sylvia uppercuts Julienne. The two begin to wrestle in the aisle of the plane.

ROSS
Please stop.

They stop, right as Julienne has Sylvia in a headlock.

ROSS
Is that really neccesary?

Sarathress and Alexander are next to one another.

ROSS
How's it going?

SARATHRESS
Oh, the usual. Conquering galaxies is hard work.

ALASTAIR
Got any--

MARIE
Alastair, you're supposed to be in the ICU. For drinking too much.

Ross pours a glass of champagne.

MARIE
Stop giving him alcohol!

ROSS
Then who would lighten the mood when things get tense?

Marie sighs.

Alastair downs the whole thing.

ROSS
Why are you like this?

KOTERA
I'll take a glass.

IVAN
Me too!

ARI
HELL YEAH!

ROSS
Ari, if you die again, I swear to God...

ARI
Relax, Ross.

Ross passes out the champagne.

Artur is reading a newspaper. Serena blankly smiles into space.

ROSS
Everything okay, Serena?

ARTUR
She's recovering from her operation.

ROSS
Oh no, what's wrong?

ARTUR
Nothing, I was just talking about her lobotomy.

Everyone looks disgusted.

ARTUR (chuckles)
Sorry. Her LOBECTOMY.

Everyone goes back to normal.

There is a sharp bang outside.

MONSTE
Was that an explosion.

INTERCOM
We're going down! Brace!

Kotera glances out the window.

KOTERA
Only one engine is out. How are we going down?

INTERCOM
This is a MOOVIEEEEEEEE!

The aircraft impacts hard on the ground. The screen goes black.

The screen returns, but blurry. It begins to focus.

It shows Ross's face, lying upright in the sand.

ROSS
Wha--

He sits upright.

The sky is blue. He looks around. The crashed plane is next to him.

ROSS
Is anyone awake?

The sand shifts. Alastair pops his head up from under it.

ALASTAIR
Oh god, am I hungover.

He winces, and gets out of the sand.

One by one, the passengers get out of the sand.

Ross counts them. All are present, except for the pilots.

ROSS
Oh. My. GOD! We're on a deserted island!

BAILEY
Alright, is anyone injured?

Nobody is.

ROSS
Let's scavenge the plane.

The leaders clime into the cabin. Inside are the suitcases, as they were when they were loaded.

ROSS
Alright, let's dump out all our stuff and see what we have.

Bailey dumps out her suitcase. Clothes, toiletries. The usual.

ROSS
Anything special?

BAILEY
If you count my Bowie knife, then yes.

ROSS
Alright. Next.

Randorn dumps out his. The usual, nothing more.

Montse dumps out hers. A medical kit and a--

CHRIS
Is that a gun?

MONTSE
Yes, who's to say I wasn't allowed to bring it?

Feodora dumps out hers. A bunch of cigarettes.

FEODORA
What? I like to smoke!

Artur and Serena dump out theirs. The usual stuff.

Kotera dumps out his. No clothes, except for a suit, and the rest of the space is packed up with Composite C-4 explosives.

CHRIS
Jesus, were you trying to blow up the plane?

KOTERA
No, just for fun. Wanted to prank some of you with it.

Ari opens hers. A bunch of knives.

ROSS
I told you not to bring your knife collection!

ARI
I will do as I wish.

ROSS
If you stab someone, you get to tend their wounds.

Chris and Marie open theirs. Just clothes and a few books.

Sarathress and Alexander open theirs. They both have copies of "World Domination for Dummies".

Ivan opens his. Nothing of value.

Sylvia and Julienne open theirs. They have jam-packed any open space with candy bars.

ROSS
Well, we won't have to worry about going hungry...

Alastair drags his to the group. It appears to be packed extremely tight.

ROSS
What did you brin--

Alastair opens it. Inside is booze, snacks, and

ROSS
Oh God...

FEODORA
That's horrifying.

Ivan, Randorn, and Kotera smile. Marie stands in horror. Ari looks intrigued.

Ross snatches a whip from the case, and begins to whip Alastair in the side of the head.
The rest of the leaders have to restrain him.

CHRIS
He's not worth it...

ROSS (shouting)
NOT IN MY RESORT! YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT IN MY RESORT!

CHRIS
We can always turn it into a normal swing set...

Ross begins to sob.

Feodora comforts him.

ROSS
We have to (sniffle) find a way off this island!

His eyes lighten up.

ROSS
Wait, we haven't opened mine yet!

He fumbles the zipper open. A variety of clothes, books, and electronics fall.

ROSS
I brought my mini-TV and my DVD player and my copy of Clue, and my M203 grenade--

BAILEY
What was that?

Ross removes a grenade launcher from his suitcase.

ROSS
I was going to play some golf with it.

KOTERA
All three endings?

ROSS
All three endings.

CHRIS
Wait, where will the electricity come from?

Ross points to an extension cord in the sand.

CHRIS
Where did that even come from?

ALEXANDER
It's been here the whole time.

MONTSE
How is the light on? Nothing is plugged in!

ROSS
MAGIC!

He begins to set up the TV.

BAILEY
Are we all forgetting that we are on a deserted island?

Kotera gets out his phone.

KOTERA
Aww man. Just gonna post this on Twitter real quick.

BAILEY
But no servi--

KOTERA
Too late. Already sent.

MONTSE
How did you--

There is a thunderous crash as Ari lands the final blow on a tree, which tumbles to the ground.

Ross makes a small flat section with an axe and knife, and grabs Alastair's suitcase.

ROSS
Who wants drinks!

ALL EXECPT MARIE
(cheering)

MARIE
We can't drink! What will happen if we-- oh come on, are you literally doing shots?

The leaders begin to knock back vodka shots.

ROSS (unfazed)
Hit me again!

MARIE
We have to look for food or something!

SYLVIA (intoxicated)
How...

RANDORN
You are like 90 pounds, soaking wet.

ALASTAIR
Did someone say SOAKING WET!

He dives into the ocean.

ROSS
Alastair, you're gonna have to change clothes now.

ALASTAIR
Fine.

He goes behind a tree. He comes back wearing...

ROSS
JESUS!

CHRIS
I hate to say this, but Alastair, you look like a waiter at a gay bar.

FEODORA (chain-smoking)
Or a transvestitite.

SARATHRESS
I though I'd seen so much of him already...

IVAN
Hubba bubba...

Ross dives across the bar and smashes an empty bottle of vodka over his head.

Chris punches him.

IVAN
Hey, calm down...

ROSS
THAT'S IT!

IVAN
I'm sorry...

ROSS
No, look!

A helicopter is flying overhead.

BAILEY
Signal it with the M203!

Ross aims, and fires... directly into the helicopter, which blows the tail rotor off.

BAILEY
Oh, for the love of--

The helicopter explodes.

The leaders are silent.

ALASTAIR
That was...

So COOL!

The leaders begin to cheer.

CHRIS
IT JUST WENT BOOM!

MONTSE
So awesome!

MARIE
Wait... what if that was our only chance off the island?

ROSS
Too bad! Now, I got the survival kit offboard. We have a couple tents, some food, we can last long enough for another heli to find us.

ALEXANDER
Oh, that's a relief.

Sylvia and Julienne are lying face down in the sand.

ROSS
Someone check their pulse.

MONTSE
They're probably alive.

The leaders set up tents.

The day cuts to night. The leaders sit around a fire, drinking and smoking.

ROSS
...and that's how I lost my college scholarship!

MONTSE
Good one!

ALEXANDER
You humans have such good stories.

ROSS
I suppose it's about time to go to sleep.

ARTUR (yawns)
See you all in the morning.

ARI
Good night.

Everyone goes to their tents.

The scene cuts to Ross laying asleep, then waking up.

ROSS
Ahh, gotta piss.

He walks to the plane to use the bathroom inside.

Several male leaders are in... various states... in the cabin of the plane.

Ross turns around, takes two steps, and sprints back to his tent.

ROSS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... wait...

ROSS grabs his M203.

ROSS
I KNOW WHO DESTROYED THE PLANE!

The leaders wake up and walk to the fire.

The male leaders begin to arrive.

ROSS
Okay the-- RANDORN PUT SOME GOD DAMN PANTS ON NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!

RANDORN
Oops...

ALASTAIR
Except me.

Ross buttstrokes Alastair in the jaw.

ROSS
TOO. SOON.

IVAN
Homophobe.

ROSS
Ivan, when this is over, I swear I'm gonna find some plyers and start pulling teeth.

MONTSE
So who brought down the plane?

Ross walks to each of them and stares into their eyes.

He stops at Kotera.

KOTERA
Please.

MONTSE
You did have thirty six pounds of C-4 in your suitcase.

ALASTAIR
But he's too good of a lov--

Ross buttstrokes him again.

SARATHRESS
Why?!

ROSS
No, it wasn't because of that. You see, Kotera was the first to notice the engine burnout. But how could he have noticed... if he was BLIND!

KOTERA
I'm not blind.

ROSS
Then prove it!

He throws a bottle of beer. Kotera catches it with ease.

ROSS
Hmm. Okay then.

He walks up to Sylvia and Julienne.

SYLVIA
Why us?

ROSS
Because you were wrestling on the floor! And you dislodged the mercury barometer off the wall! This would dry-rot the aluminum frame and cause the plane to depressurize! But you forgot one thing: that Kotera was trying to blow up the plane at the same time. The mercury actually just rotted through Kotera's luggage, or actually where it was placed on, and it fell out! So you fired an M203 at the engine, and blew it up!

MARIE
Wouldn't we have noticed the explosion?

ROSS
No, because they covered their tracks by wrapping the grenade in a piece of CHEESE! This silenced it and disguised it as a piece of cheese!

ALL
(nods in approval)

A helicopter whirrs up above.

SYLVIA
Curse you!

BAILEY
Oh good God.

ROSS
Time to go home.

He fires the M203. It hits the helicopter again.

The helicopter explodes.
ALL
(silence)

Ross drops his ULINE catalog.

KOTERA
Ross.

WHAT THE FU

The credits roll.

Read factbook


F7 3: We're Going to Keep Making These Until I Have A Cerebral Hemorrhage

This is when we start getting into the movies with extreme amounts of quality. This particular one is pretty good, but a far cry from other movies, primarily because it's basically a John Hughes teen movie.

One of the more funny ones, though, less drama.

Starring:
Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)


LinkWelcome to Azur Berlin. The Ancient Witch extends her heartfelt greetings. Please, take it easy and relax for the time being.

There's no need to think overly hard about any of this.
Quietly accept all that is about to happen.
That is all that is being asked of you.

A Warning
This is heavily based off of Umineko, if that much isn't obvious. From that, yes, there will be deaths occurring throughout this read. Umineko is a murder mystery visual novel. Unlike Umineko, I won't go into graphic detail about the murders, but please keep that in mind. If you're offended or upset, I'm sorry.

I also started to rush towards the end because I just wanted to finish this up. I also had trouble trying to craft this into a mystery with how I started. I didn't want to restart the whole thing, so you get this jank story. Which also explains why some character's motivations and mannerisms change. Again, I'm sorry.

To make you feel better here is a spoiler:
Everyone is going to die. Even my characters.

The Host:
Azur Deutschland - Dellamorte Family

The Guests:
Socialist Macronesia - Ross
Western Fardelshufflestein - Alastair/Marie
Wuchu - Kotera
Las Palmeras - Montse
New Carthagea - Christophe II
Kiu Ghesik - Ari
Minskiev - Ivan
Free Ravensburg - Amadeus
Empirical Switzerland - Bodie

The Witch is thrilled to have you here.
Please, sit back, enjoy the tea, and enjoy your stay.
Everything will be over when the seagulls cry.


We begin with a letter addressed to various leaders around the world and the universal planes. The envelope alone is insanely detailed, with a intricate designed border of gold and the imprint of a blue rose on the front. It seems to shimmer and glow with a faint light. The letter inside, written in a very elegant and beautiful cursive offers a very simple and mysterious invitation.

"You are formally invited to Azur Berlin for an event conducted by the Azurblaue Rozenschwestern.
It is to be a momentous celebration. A once in a lifetime opportunity awaits you at the Castle.
Please, don't be late."

The call was listened to. Ten leaders from around the universal planes gathered at the Dellamorte Castle in Azur Berlin, wondering why specifically they were invited and what event they were invited to. Ross from Socialist Macronesia, Alastair and his wife Marie from Western Fardelshufflestein, Kotera from Wuchu, Montse from Las Palmeras, Christophe from New Carthagea, Ari from Kiu Ghesik, Ivan from Minskiev, Amadeus from Free Ravensburg, and Bodie from Imperial Switzerland.

Before anyone could ask anyone about anything, three figures appeared in front of the ten leaders. Sylvia Lucienne Dellamorte, Julienne Victoria Dellamorte, and Phym Dellamorte all bowed.

SYLVIA
Greetings, everyone. Thank you all for coming. As you are all well aware, we are the Azurblaue Rozenschwestern.

JULIENNE
We've invited everyone here for a special occasion. We-

PHYM
-are going to play a game! Hehehe~

Sylvia and Julienne both smile and nod.

SYLVIA
It is more or less a contest. We'll tell you more as we proceed. Please, follow us.

The three then turned around and walked on towards the castle. The ten leaders looked at each other, a bit confused. Small whispers broke out, but were silenced when Sylvia and Julienne beckoned them to follow.

Above, the sky started to darken. A massive storm was on it's way.

The entrance hall to the castle was elegant, to put it simply. The wall opposite to the door had an elaborate painting. It was a painting of a woman. Sylvia, Julienne, and Phym led the ten leaders to the painting. The title was "The Ancient Witch" and beside it sat a plaque. The twins and their adopted daughter urged everyone to read the plaque.

Behold the sweetfish river running through my beloved hometown.
You who seek the Golden Land, follow its path downstream in search of the key.

As you travel down it, you will see a village.
In that village, look for the shore the two will tell you of.
There sleeps the key to the Golden Land.

The one who obtains the key must then travel to the Golden Land in accordance with these rules.

On the first twilight, offer the three chosen by the key as sacrifices.
On the second twilight, those who remain shall tear apart the two who are close.
On the third twilight, those who remain shall praise my noble name.
On the fourth twilight, gouge the head and kill.
On the fifth twilight, gouge the chest and kill.
On the sixth twilight, gouge the stomach and kill.
On the seventh twilight, gouge the knee and kill.
On the eighth twilight, gouge the leg and kill.
On the ninth twilight, the witch shall revive, and none shall be left alive.
On the tenth twilight, at journey's end, you shall attain to the power of the Golden Land's treasures, once and for the last time.

The witch shall praise the wise and bestow four treasures.
One shall be all the gold from the Golden Land.
One shall be the resurrection of all the dead souls.
One shall be the resurrection of the love that was lost.
One shall be to put the witch to sleep for all time.

Sleep peacefully, my beloved witch, Aurelia.

SYLVIA
This is the start of our contest.

JULIENNE
Solve the mystery of the Witch's Epitaph.

PHYM
The reward is ten tons of gold!

SYLVIA
You're welcome to stay here as long as you like. You're our guests, so you'll be treated kindly. We will have a big dinner later. Please, enjoy the stay. Oh, and separate rooms have all been prepared for you already. Upstairs, you'll find doors with your names. Those are your rooms. For now, please relax in the parlor.

Sylvia then gestured over to a room off to the side of the entrance hall.

JULIENNE
You may work together on the riddle. Remember though, there can be only one winner.

With that, the twins bowed and left with their daughter to go upstairs. The ten leaders entered the parlor and were left to their own devices. After taking seats on the couches that furnished the parlor, they all looked at each other again, confused once more.

ROSS
This is some jank unnatural sh*t.

IVAN
Yeah... What the hell kind of game is this?

AMADEUS
Surely we all think this is something else, right?

ALASTAIR
I don't know, ten tons of gold can buy a lot of booze.

Marie gently smacks her husband's cheek.

MARIE
If the ten tons of gold is real, none of that is going towards alcohol!

KOTERA
That's an excellent point. If the gold is real. I think I'm with Amadeus, this seems like there's more at play here....

CHRISTOPHE
I see no reason to not trust them. Those two aren't all that evil.

MONTSE
While that's true, it's still probably good to exercise caution.

ARI
Extremely wise decision. The twins are strange creatures.

BODIE
Well, money is money. Ten tons of gold is a lot of money... I don't think they're faking it. Don't they have a history with strange magic?

KOTERA
Mmm, good point. Sylvia and Julienne are witches, so it wouldn't be impossible that they do have ten tons of gold. Though, again, why? Why give us the opportunity to just take it?

ARI
Maybe they're trying to judge us on something. Maybe this is some mystic test or something.

Just then, a servant entered the parlor with a tray. She set the tray down on the table and bowed to the ten leaders.

SERVANT
Some refreshments. Freshly brewed tea and freshly baked cookies. Dinner will be ready in an hour.

The servant bowed once again before leaving the parlor.

ROSS
Well, might as well enjoy the time here.

CHRISTOPHE
We can also discuss that riddle. We have time to kill, so we should try to at least get some starting point.

MONTSE
Well, the first thing I've noticed is that we can separate that epitaph into three distinct parts. Something about a key, something about what to do with the key, and something about the rewards.

MARIE
Oh, yeah. You can break it down like that.

ALASTAIR
That middle section though. That seems really gruesome, doesn't it? There's stuff about gouging and killing.

IVAN and AMADEUS
See, they're trying to kill us.

KOTERA
No, I don't think that's it.

ROSS
It might be a metaphor for something... Like a word game or something like that.

BODIE
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. It might be something where you remove letters based off of certain criteria.

ARI
Well, that just sounds like some stupid children's game then.

CHRISTOPHE
Yes, but I would argue that this is more engineered than a simple children's game. For instance, we still need to figure out the key. The key is probably the word that we take letters off of. Assuming Bodie and Ross are right.

MONTSE
I know it's not much else, and it's painfully obvious, but the Golden Land would be whatever vault or place they have the gold locked up.

IVAN
Maybe we could just wander the castle and find it eventually.

The remaining leaders laugh for a second.

ARI
Come on, man! Sylvia and Julienne have magic. You really think it's going to be easy?

The room is left painfully silent after Ari spoke. The weight of that finally settled in hard. This wasn't going to be easy. They got a foothold in a potential understanding of the Witch's Epitaph, but they were still missing crucial components to fully realize the plan they had going.

ALASTAIR
Maybe we should wait until after dinner to dwell more on this. I can't be the only one whose mind is getting clouded by hunger.

Thankful that someone broke the silence, the other nine leaders agreed with Alastair. From that point on, they conversed with each other about the mundane things while enjoying the tea and cookies set out for them. They killed the remaining time very easily. An hour was already up and the dinner was to begin. The same servant popped back into the parlor to collect the ten leaders. She then lead them out into the dining room.

The storm outside got worse. Heavy rains and thunder. No one seemed to notice, but escape wouldn't be possible anymore.

A long table with fourteen chairs greeted them. Set upon the table was an extraordinary amount of food. It was like a massive Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Watching the ten leaders surprised faces, Sylvia and Julienne smiled. They gestured to the table and the food.

JULIENNE
Help yourselves, friends.

SYLVIA
We know this is strange, but we'd really like for you all to be comfortable while you're here. We hope to raise Azur Deutschland's reputation with the each of you.

The ten leaders gave nods and acknowledgments before choosing seats. Sylvia and Julienne both sighed in relief. They sat down together with Phym and began their dinner with their guests. After everyone settled in with their plates full of food, the dining room exploded into a lively event. Discussions about the world, about politics and ideologies, and about everyday things were had. There was laughing and giggling. A fun atmosphere was created. This was unconsciously surprising as the sudden contest created a massive amount of tension just an hour ago.

Suddenly though, Ross looked over at the only empty seat. He saw a familiar envelope sitting there. Grabbing it, he stood up. The sudden movement caused the fun to pause as everyone looked over at Ross. He held up the envelope.

ROSS
First off, why was there an empty seat? Secondly, why was there an envelope sitting there?

Everyone was silent.

SYLVIA
Well, the table just happens to support fourteen people...

ROSS
And the envelope?

JULIENNE
We didn't place it there.

ROSS
Yeah, sure.

ALASTAIR
I didn't notice it when we were picking seats...

MONTSE
Yeah, I went around the whole table too. I think everyone did as we picked out food.

KOTERA
Strange, but whatever. I think the important thing is, what does the letter say? We can go around in circles discussing how it got there...

Ross opens up the envelope. Taking out the letter, he read it out loud.

"Welcome everyone to Azur Berlin. I hope your dinner is going well. Please, enjoy the food. However, don't forget about the Epitaph. It's not just about the gold. I've come to collect the magical debt accrued by my descendants. That debt includes the lives of everyone here. If you want to stop the ritual, solve my Epitaph.
Sincerely, Aurelia Beatrice Dellamorte"

Everyone suddenly stopped eating. Ivan and Amadeus slammed their hands on the table.

IVAN and AMADEUS
I knew it! They're going to kill us!

Sylvia and Julienne looked slightly upset. Phym was already crying, hugging her two mothers.

JULIENNE
We wouldn't kill anyone...

SYLVIA
Aurelia is just a myth though. Our parents told us about her just as a way to keep us from going off deep into the woods...

ROSS
Mhm, yeah, sure. Look, no matter how you try to play it, this only looks suspicious against you two. You're real witches for Christ's sake.

SYLVIA
Not necessarily. I could argue that one of you wanted to frame us. All we wanted was to host a competition to earn favor for Azur Deutschland. I know that some of you would rather hate us for eternity just because of the second world war!

MONTSE
Guys, shut up and stop arguing. If this threat is real, which it very well might be, then everyone's in trouble. It said she was going to take the lives of everyone here. That means we're all in trouble.

CHRISTOPHE
Montse has a point. We shouldn't fight if there is an outside threat.

IVAN
Yeah, well, I don't want to die!

BODIE
Me neither! We should try to leave!

SERVANT
Unfortunately, the storm outside has gotten worse. We'd advise you all to stay inside the castle.

Upon the realization that there was a massive weather anomaly outside, the dining room erupted into arguments. Sylvia and Julienne left the dining room with Phym. The three of them were all crying as they walked quickly to their room.

SYLVIA
I... can't believe her...

JULIENNE
It would be... so like her to pick today...

SYLVIA
It's all because of the Epitaph...

PHYM
We'll be okay though, right?

Both of the twins nodded at their daughter's question.

Back in the dining hall, the ten leaders finally noticed that the twins had left.

MONTSE
Damn it... There goes one of our only sources of information and protection. Having two witches would be useful against another witch.

ROSS
They're probably off to set up traps or something.

ALASTAIR
Well, guess dinner is over then?

MARIE
Yes, of course... Jeez, dear, please try to be a little more cognizant of what's going on. Everyone's thinking that we're all going to be murdered.

CHRISTOPHE
One thing is certain. We should stick together. That way, if it is Sylvia and Julienne, we have a chance of getting away.

KOTERA
Again, they're witches... It's probably easy for them to kill all of us quickly.

ARI
Then that brings up the point they were making earlier. Maybe they really are innocent? If they wanted to kill us, we'd already be dead.

MONTSE
Again, I think our chances would be better to stick with them at least. If we keep our eyes on them it won't be hard to alert everyone. If they're innocent, then they can provide some assistance against another witch.

AMADEUS
But they left. This castle is huge too.

Montse glares at Ross for making the twins upset.

ROSS
Well f*ck, sorry. Not my fault they're highly suspicious, even now.

MONTSE
Then we should find them so you can give a personal apology.

The ten leaders got up and left the dining room.

Meanwhile, in the study off to the side of Sylvia and Julienne's room. The twins were solemnly playing Chess while Phym was reading a book. While it was true that they knew what was coming, it was also true that they didn't know it was going to be today.

SYLVIA
Now of any day, she chooses to play her Demon's Roulette... She desperately wants to conduct her resurrection ceremony...

JULIENNE
It's because of the number of guests we have...

SYLVIA
Yes... That is right. Well, hopefully the Roulette favors us. Only ten sacrifices are needed.

JULIENNE
That would be all of our guests, unfortunately.

SYLVIA
I... I know...

Suddenly a flash of blue appeared in the study. Standing beside the table the Chess game was set upon, Aurelia Beatrice Dellamorte looked at her descendants. The twins both looked at her and shook their heads.

SYLVIA
Me and my big mouth.

JULIENNE
I guess, our luck ran out?

AURELIA
Unfortunately, yes. I will grant you three a painless death. Your entrance to the Golden Land will be swift and easy. Please, don't take this the wrong way. I think it would be better for me to live in this world and for you three to live there. This world isn't perfect, but the Golden Land is.

The ten leaders scoured the castle looking for Sylvia and Julienne. Montse made Ross lead the way as it was his sin that needed to be atoned. Strangely, none of the servants were out anymore. A look outside any of the windows showed pitch blackness. The sound of rain was rather loud and heavy. Occasional lightning flashes and loud booms of thunder added to the insanely unsettling atmosphere.

It took them a while, but eventually they found the door to Sylvia and Julienne's room. The clock had just struck midnight before they arrived. Setting their eyes on the door, everyone let out a gasp. Some of them let out screams, but it was hard to make out who it was.

On the door was a strange occult symbol drawn with some dark red... paint? No. It was definitely blood.

Pushing aside the fears, Ross took control and grabbed the handle. He forced the door open. The ten guests stumbled into a rather elegant bedroom. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary, but no one could really tell. Sylvia and Julienne were mysterious girls about their private life.

Looking deeper and focusing harder, the guests found that Sylvia, Julienne, and Phym were sleeping on the massive ornate bed. A closer inspection, however, revealed that it wasn't a slumber that they'd wake up from. They looked peaceful. The only way to tell that they were dead was the wounds over their hearts.

ARI
Oh my god!

ALASTAIR
I... I think I'm going to be sick.

CHRISTOPHE
This is... rather upsetting. They were young.

ROSS
Well, sh*t...

MONTSE
Yeah, guess you were wrong, Ross.

KOTERA
F*ck me. I guess this means we're next.

BODIE
Guys, there's another letter here.

Bodie lifted up an envelope placed next to the bed. Without hesitation, he opened it and read the contents out loud for the rest.

"The game has officially begun. To stop the Demon's Roulette, solve the mystery of my Epitaph.
My descendants did not abuse your intellect. The gold exists. Find the gold, and you find the answer I want you to find.
Sincerely, Aurelia Beatrice Dellamorte"

IVAN
This cryptic sh*t is getting real annoying.

AMADEUS
Agreed.

MONTSE
We should head back to the parlor and barricade ourselves there. Then we can think about solving the riddle.

The ten leaders agreed on Montse's plan. They left the twins' room and headed back to the parlor. Once inside, they gathered some extra furniture and barricaded the doors. Then, they all sat down on the couches. The room, filled with tension, was also filled with a heavy silence. It wasn't witnessed, but murders had definitely occurred tonight. The worst part was that they were all locked in the castle for who knows how long.

Alastair got up and started pacing around. He looked over the parlor and found some side rooms.

ALASTAIR
There's more rooms here...

MARIE
Maybe we should check them out.

ROSS
Go ahead, you two, but be careful. This witch intends to kill all of us...

Alastair and Marie nodded. Getting up, Marie walked over to her husband and the two of them went into the side rooms. They were like quite spacious storage closets. They had a very creepy atmosphere. Alastair rummaged around, looking to see if there was any alcohol stored here. Marie, shaking her head, was sticking close to her husband.

All of a sudden, the two of them heard giggles and cackles.

???
The king is mine~ Ahuhu~

???
Then I'll topple the queen~ Kihihihi~

The remaining eight leaders were in the parlor discussing the Epitaph's riddle. They didn't know how long they were talking, but it was an extremely long time. They hadn't noticed that Alastair and Marie still weren't back. Only after what sounded like two gunshots did everyone startle and get up.

ROSS
Sh*t!

ARI
I think Alastair and Marie might be in trouble.

KOTERA
We gotta go and find out!

Getting their wits about them, the eight got to their feet and moved quickly to the side rooms. They pushed their way inside fast. Taking a quick look, they all confirmed that the side rooms were storage closets. Sticking together, the eight leaders moved their way throughout the closet. Eventually, the found Alastair and Marie. They seemed to be sitting down next to a crate of wine.

Only, they weren't alive to enjoy the wine. Stuck into their chests and into their hearts were ornate demon-looking stakes.

BODIE
What the hell?!

CHRISTOPHE, ARI, IVAN, and AMADEUS
Alastair! Noooo!

MONTSE
The killer certainly isn't wasting time. Damn it.

ROSS
I don't want to look at them like this... Let's lock this up and go back to the parlor. Everyone needs to keep together.

They all nodded. Returning to the parlor, they sat back down. Kotera looked at the table and sighed. He picked up the letter and read it just to get it out of the way.

"My resurrection ceremony is soon. I would be happy to invite you all to the Golden Land. We still have more sacrifices to go, however.
Allow me to entertain you with a thought. I'm not alone.
One of your ilk is an accomplice to these murders.
Sincerely, Aurelia Beatrice Dellamorte"

Kotera took that last bit to heart. Something about this seemed insanely off. Almost like Sylvia and Julienne gave someone some incentive to commit murder. Maybe one the guests here already had the gold and was trying to eliminate everyone else. The others, however, weren't convinced by that.

MONTSE
Someone here is helping commit the murders? How would that even be possible?

CHRISTOPHE
Everyone has an alibi, right? We've all been together this whole time.

KOTERA
Yeah, but that doesn't mean they aren't an accomplice. You can help out with out being directly responsible.

IVAN
Why would a witch need an accomplice?

KOTERA
The culprit might not be a witch.

ARI
I think I'm starting to understand... We definitely know that Sylvia and Julienne were witches, but who is to say that this Aurelia actually exists? The two of them did say that it was just a legend their parents told them.

KOTERA
Which can lead us to a conclusion that some unknown heard about this party, heard of the gold, and is now seeking to find the gold and eliminate the competition, with the help of one of us...

BODIE
You can't seriously believe that one of us is an accomplice, right?

KOTERA
It all depends on the motives.

MONTSE
Can't you see that this is what the killer wants? Aurelia or whoever wants us to fight and break off. We'll be easy targets.

The parlor turned into a huge argument at this point. Raging debates filled the air as people expressed opinions. If the culprit was a witch, we'd all be dead by now. If the culprit is human, it's only logical to stick together. If the culprit is one of the guests, it would be logical to separate yourself from any potential suspects to keep yourself safe. All of this back and forth started to give everyone pounding headaches.

Everyone then remembered that there were rooms prepared for them upstairs. Bodie, Ivan, Ari, and Amadeus left the parlor to check out the rooms. It was decided that that shouldn't be a problem as they are three of them together.

Later into the night, the remaining four leaders traveled together upstairs to find their rooms as well. There was an uncanny feeling washing over them. Climbing up the stairs, they made out the hallway that would contain their rooms. Getting closer and closer to the hallway, they trembled and stopped.

Four of the doors had similar occult symbols and drawings like what they saw on Sylvia and Julienne's door.

Knowing already what they were going to find, the five entered each room and examined everything closely.

First was Bodie's room. The poor man was dead, stabbed in the head by a demon-looking stake.

Second was Amadeus's room. Like Bodie he was also dead. A demon-like stake stabbed through his chest.

Third was Ivan's room. Dead as well. A stake piercing through his stomach.

Last was Ari's room. Another tragic death. She had a wound on her knee. The stake was across the room. She was also holding a knife in her hand. It seemed she put up a fight against whoever killed her.

The four remaining guests went back out into the hall. Montse, Christophe, and Kotera were silent, though for differing reasons. Christophe was giving a moment of silence for those killed. Montse was trying to deduce why everything happened like this. Kotera was watching everyone. Ross pounded against the wall for sometime, anger and frustration building.

ROSS
I'm going back to the parlor. That bitch probably left a letter.

No one stopped him. No one seemed to notice that he stormed off. Kotera silently watched him as he left.

Upon returning to the parlor, Ross found a gun, an old carbine version of a Kar98k rifle. Attached to it was a note. Ross read it, grabbed the gun and walked out into the entrance hall.

A loud gunshot echoed throughout the castle. The sudden noise brought Christophe, Montse, and Kotera back to their senses. They double-timed it and ran towards the source of the gunshot. Climbing down the stairs they were met with an unsettling, but unsurprising sight.

Ross lay dead in front of the portrait of Aurelia. They was a wound not only to his head, but also to his leg. A demon stake was stabbed through his leg. The three also noticed that Ross had a gun in his hands.

Kotera looked closer at the body and found the note.

"A formal challenge. Meet me in the entrance hall. Defeat me and the gold is yours."

Kotera shook his head. Turning around, he was about to claim that either Christophe or Montse were the culprits. He stopped, however, unable to speak.

Standing before them was a beautiful woman. The woman in the painting. Aurelia.

AURELIA
The time has come. My resurrection is almost finished. You three who are still left alive, I ask you. Join me in the Golden Land. Your friends await you.

Montse and Christophe bowed and accepted the invitation. Kotera, furious, denied it. He denied that this witch could even exist.

Blinding light filled the castle.

The next day, the authorities couldn't find anything. A mass murder took place at the Dellamorte Castle. The culprit is assumed to have committed suicide.

When the seagulls cried, no one survived.


Fates
Sylvia Dellamorte - Victim of the First Twilight.
Julienne Dellamorte - Victim of the First Twilight.
Phym Dellamorte - Victim of the First Twilight.

Alastair - Victim of the Second Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Lucifer.
Marie - Victim of the Second Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Leviathan.

Bodie - Victim of the Fourth Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Satan.

Amadeus - Victim of the Fifth Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Belphegor.

Ivan - Victim of the Sixth Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Mammon.

Ari - Victim of the Seventh Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Beelzebub.

Ross - Victim of the Eighth Twilight. Pierced by the Stake of Asmodeus.

Aurelia Dellamorte - Revived. Offered the survivors passage to the Golden Land.

Montse - Acknowledged Aurelia's invitation. Was rejected, however, and killed.
Christophe - Acknowledged Aurelia's invitation. Was rejected, however, and killed.
Kotera - Denied Aurelia's invitation. Fate remains unknown, but he damned the rest.


AURELIA
I will make you submit.

KOTERA
Try me.

Read factbook


F7 Movie: Legend of the Ancient Witch

This was one of the few times when the list contradicted my IRL beliefs. Azur clearly put work into this, no doubt. But I think it is stopped from achieving greatness by its flat characters. All the people feel the exact same, a two-dimensional horror movie character. This might be great in an F7 Movie. But not in the way it is used here. You see, this is a very serious F7 movie. Not my taste, but I can see how people would like it. But the characters make non-serious decisions. If Serious Ross sees bodies piling up, he's gonna nope away. F7 movie Ross would make some insane miniscule observation of something that clearly is the opposite of everything around him. But neither is used here, instead choosing just to kill everything that moves without a real explanation.

That being said, there is a lot to say about this movie and it ain't all bad. I liked the basic plot outline, the murder mystery aspect was on point, and it was overall a pretty good movie.

It stars:

Azur Deutschland - Dellamorte Family
Socialist Macronesia - Ross
Western Fardelshufflestein - Alastair/Marie
Wuchu - Kotera
Las Palmeras - Montse
New Carthagea - Christophe II
Kiu Ghesik - Ari
Minskiev - Ivan
Free Ravensburg - Amadeus
Empirical Switzerland - Bodie

That being said, it pales in comparison to the next three.

CRITICS LOVE F7 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!


I can't express how much I love it.

The pathos! The twists! The absolute Machiavellianism!

(Socialist Macronesia) is an artist, and this is (his) magnum opus.

-Wuchu


When I started reading F7 Movie 2, it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it's a parody of that Agatha Christie book I'm not at liberty to reveal the name of because the jannies are watching telegrams. Also it's the worst thing I've ever read and I've read Its My Life!, so that's an... I don't know if I'd call it an accomplishment but it's a feat nonetheless. Be... proud? I guess?

I LOVED IT. IT WAS COOLER THAN CATS. I'M GOING TO SEE IT AGAIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN.
-Broader Confederate States

Somehow F7 the movie managed the MOST UPVOTES OF ANYTHING I'VE DONE. Even my 25k words of lore are beat. So, I decided to make a longer, and larger, sequel. I present to you

F7 2: Electric Boogaloo

Disclaimer: This is satire. Do not take this seriously in any way. TG me if you have anything you'd like to

A. complain about
B. add
C. remove
D. otherwise talk about

and I might do it.

Staring (oh boy):
Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)

As I said in the last one, please go view their stuff. I picked people here for their quality of posts, quality of factbooks, and otherwise prominence in F7.

I also haven't made a poster for this one. If you feel like for some reason you want to make one, go ahead, send me the link.

And finally: I did not copy ANYTHING for this movie, unlike the last one.

EVERYTHING HERE IS BRAND NEW CONTENT AND CREATED BY ME.

Enjoy.

The movie opens on a shot of Ross's personal mansion. It appears to be built into the side of a huge scenic valley, with a small lift going down to the lower area.

The scene shifts to Ross, in his bedroom, putting on a suit, and putting his pistol into its concealed holster.

Ross walks into the ballroom.

Sarathress, Kotera, Montse, Feodora, and Chris are chatting in a group. Alastair is hunched over the bar. Ivan looks anxious in the corner. Ari looks very uncomfortable in a formal dress.

ARI
Do people actually wear these on a regular basis? I can't reach my knives well...

ROSS
Please do not tell me you brought your knife collection, Ari.

ARI
Damn right I did.

ROSS
Please refrain from stabbing anyone tonight.

KOTERA
Hey Ross, nice to see you again. How are things going?

ROSS
Quite good. Would you all be so pleased to wait here? I'm expecting some more guests in a minute.

KOTERA
Alright, take care.

ROSS
You too.

Ross heads to the main door, unlocking it.

???
Am I expected?

ROSS
You are indeed, please come in.

Randorn walks in, takes a glance at the room, and whistles.

RANDORN
Nice to meet you all, I am King Randorn of East Wolven.

CHRIS
Nice to meet you.

MONTSE
Nice to see I'm not the only part-animal here.

ALASTAIR (noticeably uncomfortable)
...buncha furries.

The doorbell rings.

ROSS
Excuse me.

Ross walks to the door once again, and opens it.

Alastair's wife, Marie walks in.

MARIE
Alastair, how the hell did you get out of the ICU?

She runs to him.

ALASTAIR
...partyyyyy...

MARIE
If you gave him alcohol, Ross, I will beat the s--

ROSS
I did not.

Marie lowers her fist.

IVAN
Why am I even here?

Ross ignores the question, as the doorbell rings again.

ROSS
(sighs) Excuse me.

Ross opens the door.

???
Greetings from Azur Deutschland!

ROSS
Sylvia and Julienne, I presume?

SYLVIA
You bet!

ROSS
Come in, come in.

Sylvia walks in, holding Julienne's hand.

SYLVIA
Nice place.

ROSS
Thank you.

The partygoers begin to converse.

ROSS
Alright, let's party!

"Shake, Rattle and Roll" begins to play. The leaders begin to dance.

IVAN
I can't take this, I have to get some fresh air.

Ross slides behind the bar.

ROSS
Drinks on me tonight.

ALL
(cheering)

Alastair immediately looks up.

MARIE
Don't even think about it.

ALASTAIR
Got any whiskey?

MARIE
DO NOT GIVE HIM--

Ross fills a lowball glass with Jack Daniels.

ROSS
Cheers.

Marie attempts to lunge at Ross. Ross blocks her.

ROSS
Is that really necessary?

MARIE
You bas--

Ross looks her in the eye.

MARIE
You'll see.

Marie walks away.

CHRIS
Beer me.

Ross slides a glass to him.

ARI
Surprise me.

Ross slides her a glass of bourbon.

ARI (confused)
Why is this alcohol so strong?

ROSS
Probably because yours isn't distilled.

ARI
What's a distilled?

ROSS
You'll find out in a few hundred years.

The scene shifts to Ivan, standing outside on the balcony, overlooking the valley.

An unseen partygoer speaks from off screen.

???
Nice view, isn't it?

IVAN
I suppose so.

???
You smoke?

IVAN
No... ehh, why not?

A gloved hand outstretches a cigarette.

Ivan lights the cigarette, and coughs.

IVAN
How did you even start this habit?

The partygoer pulls a silenced handgun, and fires once. Quickly, they lift Ivan up and over the railing. He falls down the valley.

The partygoer leaves.

The scene cuts to Ross in the bar.

ROSS
Alright, now that everyone has been properly introduced, how's dinner sound.

The eleven partygoers walk into the dining room. Alastair is mildly intoxicated.

ROSS
Ah, here they come.

Several waiters enter the room with bowls of soup.

ROSS
Where's Ivan?

MARIE
Is he missing?

ROSS
I don't know!

KOTERA
Well, we should probably look for him...

ARI
He's probably in the bathroom.

The movie cuts forward to the end of supper.

SARATHRESS
He's been gone an awfully long time...

ROSS
Maybe he left. In any case, I have several gifts to hand out. As you all know, our last party went... not so well. I was diagnosed with second degree death afterwards, but the doctors were able to cure me. So, I want to give thanks to every one of you.

Ross brings a large bag full of presents, which are wrapped in a white ribbon with black paper.

He passes them out to the partygoers.

ROSS
Kotera, go first, then go around the room clockwise.

Kotera opens his. A psychology textbook.

Sarathress opens hers. A silver globe of Earth.

Chris opens his. A loaded gold-plated revolver.

Ari opens hers. A golden knife.

Randorn opens his. A large bag of carrots.

Montse opens hers. An expandable baton.

Feodora opens hers. A container of high-quality cigarettes.

Marie opens hers. A book titled "How to Reduce Alcohol Consumption/Addiction".

Sylvia and Julienne open theirs at the same time. Two boxes of chocolate truffles.

Alastair falls out of his chair.

ROSS
Was that really necessary, sir?

Alastair eventually opens his present. A bottle of alcohol. Without hesitation, he opens the bottle and takes a sip.

ALASTAIR
This tastes like cat piss.

ROSS
That is a thirty-thousand dollar bottle of sherry.

ALASTAIR (uncomfortable)
Uh...
It's getting better. Might just be an acquired taste...

Ari twirls her knife, nearly stabbing Chris next to her.

ARI
This is pretty nice.

CHRIS
Please stop.

Sylvia and Julienne have already finished the boxes of truffles.

MARIE
How did you even eat those that fast?

They both shrug.

ROSS
Now, what about a tour?

FEODORA
That sounds lovely.

MONTSE
I... don't really want to be here.

ROSS
Oh come on, it'll be fun! Now follow me, let's go to the lower level.

The doorbell rings.

ROSS
Looks like someone's late.

He opens the door.

ROSS
I present to you, Artur and Serena.

ARTUR
Thanks for inviting us.

ROSS
I have a gift for you two!

They open their present. A scale model of the Chernobyl plant and Pripyat area.

SERENA
How lovely.

ROSS
Anyway, let's start the tour!

The partygoers get into the lift, and begin to descend.

SARATHRESS
The view is spectacular!
(shocked)
Is that a body?

ROSS
That's... Ivan.

Ross stops the lift.

MARIE
Do something!

ROSS
What are we supposed to do?

RANDORN
We can't just leave him, he might still be alive!

CHRIS
Death is a preferable alternative to communism.

Montse opens the baton.

MONTSE
We'll have to break the glass to get to him.

She strikes the glass with the baton. It merely cracks.

MONTSE
Your baton is terrible.

ROSS
It works better against people's spines, not glass.

CHRIS
I got it!

He fires his revolver into the window.

The glass shatters.

ROSS
My ears...

ARTUR
So loud...

Montse leaps out. With the help of the other partygoers, they lift Ivan into the cabin.

ROSS
That's... not good.

MONTSE
Bullet hole, point blank. Probably shot by a small-caliber handgun, once in the head, nothing more. Looks like a few broken bones, the killer probably threw him over the railing.

RANDORN
I need a drink.

ARI
So do I.

KOTERA
Are you kidding me? Someone got shot! We have to find out who did it!

ROSS
Let's go back upstairs...

The lift begins to ascend.

Back upstairs, Ross slides back into the bar.

ROSS
Who wants what?

RANDORN
Whiskey.

ARI
Something strong.

Ross pours the whiskey for Randorn and some vodka for Ari. Randorn takes a sip. Ari downs the whole thing.

ARI
What is this, tap water?

Ross pours three more drinks worth of vodka. Ari smacks then all back with no problem.

ROSS
Okay, just take the whole bottle. Try not to kill yourself.

The doorbell rings.

ROSS
I thought we were all-- oh, I know who this is!

Alexander Mercer walks in.

ALEXANDER
Greetings from--

ALASTAIR (intoxicated)
SHUT THE HELL UP!

ALEXANDER
I thought you would all be more polite...

ARI (also now intoxicated)
YOU TELL EM ALASTAIR!

ROSS
I am truly sorry for them. Here's your gift.

Alexander opens the box. It's a tie.

ALEXANDER
Why would I need a tie when I can change my form at will?

ROSS
I don't know.

The doorbell rings again.

ROSS
Did I mark the time wrong or something?

He opens the door.

BAILEY
Am I at the right house?

ROSS
I think so. Bailey Washington, that is correct?

BAILEY
Yes.

ROSS
Want something to drink?

BAILEY
You have tea?

ROSS
Black tea with a pinch of lemon, coming right up.

ARTUR
I'll take some.

RANDORN
Me too.

SERENA
Why not?

Ross slides the cups across the counter.

ROSS
I have something for you.

He returns with a present.

Bailey opens it. It's a SM-9A handgun.

BAILEY
A gun. I've never seen one before.

ROSS
This was the first ever production SM-9A. It's a piece of our history.

BAILEY
Well, that's neat!

KOTERA
SOMEONE GOT MURDERED, ARE WE ALL FORGETTING THAT?

The group turns to stare at the body of Ivan on the floor.

ROSS
Oh right. Almost forgot.

The scene cuts to the roof. A gloved hand works the bolt on a rifle.

The scene cuts back to inside.

The power goes out.

Glass shatters as a gunshot is heard.

ROSS
Oh my GOD SOMEONE'S SHOOTING AT US!

Ross dives behind the bar once more.

A suppressed gunshot is heard.

The lights flicker on.

Randorn and Kotera lie dead on the floor.

ROSS
Oh...

Bailey draws the pistol.

BAILEY
Whoever has weapons, show them!

Chris takes out his revolver.

BAILEY
Your gun was fired recently!

CHRIS
I fired it earlier! In the lift!

ROSS
He's right.

BAILEY
Then who's shooting all of us?

ROSS
They must be in the house somewhere!

MONTSE
Wait, it's--

The lights flicker, then shut off.

MONTSE
Ah! Stay back!

Montse swings the baton. A golden knife appears.

FEODORA
What is going on!

A suppressed gunshot is heard.

The lights turn on.

The remaining partygoers examine the rooms.

Sylvia and Julienne are lying on the floor.

Montse lies on the ground, having been stabbed in the back with a knife.

Chris lies dead on the floor from a suppressed pistol shot.

ALEXANDER
Ooh, this is getting INTENSE!

Ross picks up Chris's gun.

ROSS
It's a shame.

SERENA
Real shame.

ARTUR
Almost too real.

BAILEY
So Ari stabbed Montse!

ROSS (looking in the dining room)
Except Ari is dead too.

Alexander examines Ari's body.

FEODORA
Can you tell us how she died? Was she shot?

ALEXANDER
No. Alcohol poisoning.

ROSS
But how did the twins die? Were they shot?

FEODORA
No. Lung cancer.

ROSS
I know who did it.

MARIE
You do?

ROSS
Yes. I do. Let me explain.

He pauses.

ROSS
And it was YOU!

He points to Marie.

MARIE
Ross, are you drunk?

ROSS
I am perfectly sober. Anyway, you murdered Ivan because of something you wanted to keep behind closed doors. HIS AFFAIR WITH ALASTAIR! And you killed Kotera, because he was in on the affair as well! You stabbed Montse because she was one of the only ones who had military combat training, thereby reducing the number of people that could potentially reveal you! Of course, that was after killing Ari by replacing the vodka in the bar with the top secret 101% pure ethanol. You leaned over the bar trying to attack me, when you were actually making the switch. From there you were able to get her knife, and stab Montse. It's true! And you gave Sylvia and Julienne bits of asbestos insulation coated in powdered sugar and told them it was "candy"!

MARIE
That's a lie!

SERENA
Wait, then who killed Randorn? It couldn't have been her!

ROSS
The only person who hasn't been here this whole time. Alastair.

BAILEY
Why would Alastair want to kill Randorn? I mean, he didn't exactly like furries, Alastair. But murder?

ROSS
Who said he didn't like furries? The truth is, he had an affair with Randorn BEFORE having one with Kotera and Ivan! But Randorn cheated on him with Montse!

FEODORA
That makes no sense.

ROSS
How do you explain these photographs then?

He holds up several "revealing" pictures.

ALEXANDER
What photographs-- OH MY GOD MY EYES!

BAILEY
I cannot unsee what I just saw.

SARATHRESS
That is disturbing.

FEODORA
Their family tree must be messed UP.

ROSS
And he tried to cover it all up by killing the only man who would know. He knew that Montse, being an ex-spy, wouldn't snitch on him.

FEODORA
So where is Alastair now?

Alastair falls from the skylight, after breaking the glass.

ROSS
Aww gee, I wonder where he is...

BAILEY
Alright. You two, against the wall.

Marie dives toward Alastair, and puts the suppressed pistol to his head.

ALASTAIR
Wha...

He falls asleep.

MARIE
I won't let you take me alive!

Ross holds out the revolver.

ROSS
Nobody wants to hurt you. All we have to do is dump the bodies into the valley, leave quietly and pretend this never happened. We can leave here today with no more dead bodies.

Ross drops the revolver.

Bailey draws and drops her pistol.

MARIE
I suppose we can do that.

Uplifting music begins to play.

She lets Alastair go.

He falls face first onto the floor.

The music suddenly stops.

Serena, Artur, Ross, and Bailey all draw hidden guns at the same time.

The mods rush in, pointing their guns at the two.

MOD 1
Nobody move or you're getting DOS'd!

MOD 2
Good work, ladies and gentlemen. We can finally put these two away off the forums for at least a couple hours.

SERENA
That was awesome!

The remaining leaders share high fives.

ROSS
I really need to beef up security around here.

BAILEY
YOU THINK?

Kotera stands upright.

ROSS
I thought you were dead!

KOTERA
No, just sleeping.

SERENA
YOU GOT SHOT!

KOTERA
No, I just spilled my strawberry jam on my shirt.

ROSS
Oh, for FU--

The credits roll.

THE END

This took me several hours to do. Plz upvote thx

Read factbook


F7 2: Electric Boogaloo

This one was the introduction into the true big boy club. With rapid fire humor and plenty of fourth wall breaks and references, no shortage of laughs will occur. It got the most likes out of all the F7 Movies, too. It was designed over several hours, mostly as a joke. I was not expecting it to blow up at the time.

I think it's a good movie, though the other movies probably deserve some love too. And that's not to say 2 is perfect: it can be a bit confusing in places, but it has a simple charm to it that I like, personally.

Starring:
Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)

YEAH WE'RE BACK AGAIN BABY!


f*ck there's another one goddammit

And it's beautiful.
The best one yet.
- Kiu Ghesik

Love it! I think itís tied with F7 2, if not slightly having the edge over it. If it was a tiny bit more serious, itíd be fantastic. Love the train idea too. Itís only a little too Ďhaha fourth wall go booomí.

- Minskiev

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)

Double feature: read this and the F7 leader's themes. Came out the same day.

Yeah, we're doing it again! This time I think I got a good balance between murdery-ness and humor. TG me a review, you might even make it on the front page.

The movie opens on a shot of a railway station, same F7 leaders as the least ninety movies.

The leaders are standing around talking to one another.

MARIE
I just had to cut him off. He couldn't be in any more of these movies, it was already hurting his health!

ROSS
It should be here... now.

The train, in a horribly made animation shot, levitates down from the air onto the track.

ROSS
Alright, all aboard!

KOTERA
Why are we here, again?

ROSS
It's a train trip! Doesn't that sound fun?

ALL
(general disagreement)

ROSS
TOO BAD!

The sound of a machine gun chambering behind everyone causes everyone to rush into the train.

CHRIS
What was that for!

BAILEY
I'm sure he'll do an exposition thingy.

ROSS
As you may have heard, I just made 250 BILLION DOLLARS!

ALL
(cheering)

CHRIS
I thought that was for reparations...

Everyone goes silent.

SARATHRESS
Ross, did you steal money from your dying citizens?

ROSS
Not important! Anyway, let's all just have fun, enjoy ourselves, and not be murdered!

MARIE
Murder?

Everyone goes silent again.

ROSS
What, it's a common saying!

The train begins to move.

IVAN
I guess we're stuck here now.

ROSS
Come on! Let's party!

There is a sickening thud.

MONSTE
Oh God, we're being boarded!

ROSS
No.

He walks to the door and opens it. Impaled in the chest by the railing is Alastair.

MARIE
ALASTAIRRRRRRR!

Ross carries him in.

Alastair is considerably bleeding.

ALASTAIR
Did I miss the exposition?

MARIE
I thought you were in a coma!

ALASTAIR
No, I just got really hungover, and laid down.

ALL
(cheering)

ROSS
Then let's get this party started! The dining car is one car down, the sleeping cars take up the rest.

Ari and Randorn both look very confused.

ARI
So what exactly is this thing?

ROSS
You've never heard of a train before?

RANDORN
Dude, cut her some slack. You're the guy who tried to jam a bunch of F7 nations together who exist in different time periods.

ALEXANDER
I agree. That's a bit of a jerky thing to do.

ALASTAIR (still on the floor bleeding)
Did someone say jerky?

He takes out a bag of Jack Links.

FEODORA
That smells repulsive.

ROSS
Too bad! Now, let's play some cards!

KOTERA
What game?

ROSS
How about five card?

MARIE
Sure, why not?

He brings everyone to a poker table.

The leaders begin to play cards.

ARTUR
WHOOO! THREE PAIR!

SARATHRESS
Wait, you can't have a three pair, there's only five cards!

KOTERA
Yeah yeah, but look...

He pauses.

AT THIS!

There are five aces.

MONTSE
That's... not how this game works.

ROSS
I can't believe all you cheaters!

MARIE
I agree.

ROSS
But anyway, here goes. All...

He pauses.

...reds.

The cards are a mix of diamonds and hearts, in no particular order.

The leaders cheer.

KOTERA
That's it, I quit!

He hands in his bet.

JUILIENNE
Very fun!

ROSS
Well, I suppose we should--

The lights cut off.

There is a gunshot.

The lights cut on.

Marie holds a smoking gun. Randorn lies dead on the table.

ROSS
Oh my god, he's been shot!

BAILEY
Alright, it's Mar-

ROSS
No! We have to find out what weapon she used first. And where!

BAILEY
WE ARE IN THE ROOM SHE SHOT HIM IN. SHE IS HOLDING A SMOKING GUN. HOW ARE YOU--

ROSS
I don't think she did.

The leaders agree.

MONTSE
Wait, so who killed him then? I say we stick together, and wait until we get back in town and find out who did--

ROSS
No! We must split up and search the train until we find who did it!

BAILEY
Are you high, John?

ROSS
That has NEVER been proven!

MARIE
I, for one, agree with his idea.

MONTSE
So do I.

BAILEY
Well, I suppose...

ROSS
Let's hurry, because we have only two hours until the train comes back to town!

ALEXANDER
Wouldn't that be a good thing?

ROSS
Not if we haven't found the murderer!

SERENA
Aren't we forgetting something?

ARI
And what would that be?

She points to Alastair, still on the ground bleeding.

ROSS
Oh, he's been murdered too!

BAILEY (opening first aid kit)
No, he'll be fine.

ROSS
Here, take this.

He hands her a jar of blood.

BAILEY
Where did that come from?

ROSS
Don't ask.

CHRIS
So how do we give a transfusion?

SYLVIA
I think there's something about blood types, and special needles...

ROSS
You know what? Transfusion-smusion.

FEODORA
Why not let him drink it?

ALL
(agreement)

ROSS
Alright then.

Alastair, open wide!

ALASTAIR
Wha--

Ross pours a gallon jug of blood down Alastair's throat. Alastair begins to choke.

ARTUR
YOU'RE KILLING HIM!

Alastair sits up.

ALASTAIR
Man, that hangover is gone now.

SERENA
Look!

She points to the jug. It's labeled "electrolyte sports drink".

CHRIS
That's a relief. And... Marie is dead.

Marie has been stabbed over the table.

ARI
That's horrible!

BAILEY
I know--

ARI
...that knife has NOT been well maintained!

The knife is rusted through in some areas.

ROSS
So two murders...

KOTERA
You know, my favorite psychologist--

MONTSE
Nobody cares, Kotera!

ROSS
I must confess to something.

Everyone looks at Ross.

ALASTAIR
And that is...

ROSS
I have been working to find your deepest darkest secrets for the last year...

He clears his throat.

ROSS
Alastair, Kotera, Randorn, and Ivan, just look at this picture.

He holds a picture out of view of the camera.

KOTERA
That's just us in your mansion last time...

Ross looks puzzled.

ROSS
Oh. Looks like I misplaced it. But I assure you, you would be SHOCKED.

He turns to Bailey.

ROSS
Bailey. The libertarian flip-flop herself. How do you justify commiting TAX FRAUD!

BAILEY
What can I say? Taxation is theft!

He turns to Sarathress.

ROSS
Oh, she's dead.

She is dead from blunt force to the head.

ROSS
Anyway, Ari, I got this picture of you.

It is her, in bed with an axe and not a knife.

ALASTAIR
YOU TRAITOR!

ROSS
Artur, Serena. I don't know what to say other than "war-crimes".

SERENA
They won't stick.

ROSS
Sylvia, you murdered Julienne exactly five seconds ago.

Sylvia has blood staining her hands, and Julienne has a hole in her temple.

SYLVIA
She tried to steal my chocolate.

She savors a bite of a CRONCH bar.

What is in this?

ROSS
We don't have enough chocolate, so we replaced it with recycled wood.

The bar is literally just filled with bits of pressed wood pallet.

ROSS
That just leaves Alexander and Chris.

ALEXANDER
Then I will confess to my many, many mur

ROSS
You ate pizza with a fork yesterday!

ALL
(general disagreement)

CHRIS
So what do you have on me?

ROSS
You broke the law.

CHRIS
How exactly?

ROSS
By commiting suicide!

Chris is dead on the floor.

MONTSE
So let's search the place before anyone else dies!

ROSS
How about a drink first?

ALASTAIR
Guess what? MARIE CAN'T STOP ME! AHAHAHAHAH!

He grabs a bottle.

ALASTAIR
FOR GOD AND COUNTRY!

He takes one swig, and falls over wheezing on the floor.

ALASTAIR (struggling to breath)
Wha... is... (cough)

IVAN (examining bottle)
It's... kerosene?

MONTSE
Why do you have kerosene in your bar?

ROSS
I don't know.

Anyway, who wants a beer?

The scene cuts forward. Disco lights are on the ceiling, and Alastair jumps onto the table.

Ross draws a revolver.

ROSS
Don't do that, or I'll shoot you again...

Alastair tears off his shirt, revealing two bullet holes, still bleeding, and the puncture wound, still bleeding.

ROSS (drops gun)
I give up.

CHRIS
As much as I love to watch Alastair striptease, we ought to find the murderer already!

ROSS
Alright, let us go!

The train suddenly stops.

KOTERA
Aw nuts, I'll go check it.

He walks to the outside of the train, and checks the outside with a flashlight.

KOTERA
I don't--

He is shot, and falls over. The train moves once more.

ROSS
Oh no, Kotera is still outside! Someone help him!

MONTSE
SEARCH!

The remaining leaders scramble around the train.

ROSS
Nobody here!

MONTSE
Nobody here!

ALASTAIR
Zero!

BAILEY
I'm gonna take a break.

ROSS
And do what?

BAILEY
Clean my gun, duh.

She takes out her pistol, disassembles it and begins to clean it.

BAILEY
Got any water?

Ross hands her a liter of water.

ALASTAIR
AHHH DONT HURT ME!

Ross rushes to the bedroom, opens the door, closes the door and turns around and runs.

MONTSE
What's wrong?

ROSS
Nothing. Nothing. Nope, nothing at all.

BAILEY
Where is Alexander?

ROSS
He's... inside.

BAILEY
Is that supposed to mean something?

ROSS (stuttering)
Uhh. No. No. Inside the TRAIN. Nope.

ARI
A likely story!

Artur and Serena both lie dead on the floor.

BAILEY
Oh no-- WHY IS MY GUN CORRODING!

ROSS
Would it be a problem if the water I gave you was seltzer water or not?

BAILEY
YES. YES, IT WOULD.

ROSS
Oh well.

Bailey chokeslams Ross against the wall.

BAILEY
BEG FOR YOUR LIFE.

ROSS (drowsy)
I... can't...

BAILEY
SAY IT!

ROSS (yelling)
THE CARBONATION CLEANS THE CARBON

MONTSE
ENOUGH!

She strikes Bailey in the head.

Alastair and Alexander walk out of the bedroom.

ROSS
THAT'S IT!

He defenestrates Alexander.

He is run over by the train.

Everyone goes silent.

ROSS
I know who did the murders today.

ALASTAIR
And who would that be?

ROSS
Obviously.

He looks at Bailey.

ITS YOU!

BAILEY
And why?

ROSS
Because you're the only one of us... who DIDN'T HAVE A STRONG OPINION OF THE F7 MOVIE!

BAILEY
Dude, I never said I didn't like i--

ROSS
I'm not finished. You see, you wanted to exact your revenge on me for making a crappy, low effort Clue ripoff!

BAILEY
And is giving criticism a proble--

ROSS
CANCEL CULTURE!

He throws her out the same window.

Everyone cheers.

ROSS
Thank you, thank you.

ALASTAIR
NOW WHO WANTS TO SPLIT A BOTTLE OF KEROSENE!

The leaders cheer.

Kotera looks inside the window.

ROSS
He's alive!

KOTERA
Yeah, I was attacked by a wild pangolin. I think it bit me. Probably drew blood.

ROSS
Whew. HOPE NOTHING BAD COMES FROM THA

The credits roll.

Read factbook


F7 4: We're Out of Ideas

It breaks my heart to see that this doesn't have as many upvotes as the 2nd. This one, in my opinion, was a lot funnier, has a lot more fourth wall breakage, and has a better normal plot in total.

With the same cast as the previous movies, it isn't to hard to comprehend whilst simultaneously being one of the most convoluted plots in history.

I think it was, however the start of a mystery decline. All the plots were used up, so what could possibly come next to defend the throne?

Starring:
Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Alastair/Marie)
Godular (Sarathress)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
Zitravgrad (Feodora)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
East Wolven (Randorn)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Cybus1 (Alexander)
Broader Confederate States (Bailey)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Satosere (Artur/Serena)

This movie took me an exorbitantly long time to write. Mainly because I needed to balance some stuff out.

I also cut a lot of people out and replaced them with some new ones. Mostly to fit the plot.

Enjoy. Or don't.

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Wilhelm/Alastair)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Free Ravensburg (Amadeus)
Empirical Switzerland (Bodie)
Sanghyeok (Oomiya)

The movie starts with Ross and Nate sitting in Ross' office.

ROSS
And you're absolutely sure of it?

NATE
Certainly.

ROSS
Alright then. I won't take any chances.

NATE
Anyway, as I'm sure you have heard, the notorious crime syndicate AYIMOO, standing of course for A Yearly Incident, Mostly On Others, is up and running again. They've launched their singular attack for this year, and stolen the... What are we trying to get back again?

ROSS
And really, shouldn't these roles be reversed?

NATE
Anyway, they stole the Golde-- no, the Solex-- wait that's The-- the LEKTOR-- no... Uhh, you have to find the Electron... Laser. Key. The Electron Laser key. To activate the Electron Laser.

ROSS
Do you know where it might be?

Nate rolls away from a map, and throws a dart.

NATE
The Pacific--

He throws again.

NATE
Looks like... East Germany.

ROSS
How old is this map?

USSR is stenciled in bright letters across the Russian continent.

NATE
Not important. Point is, you need to go first to New Carthagea to find the personnel dossier for the program.

Ross leaves.

He walks into a laboratory.

ROSS
Warren, what do you have for me today?

WARREN
Okay Ross, you'll be using this radio. Upon activation it will disperse a knockout gas that will render anyone in the vicinity unconscious.

Ross presses a button.

WARREN
Really? Anyway, you will also be using this Commissioner APC. We at the R&D branch spend millions of dollars and a few years preparing this APC. Don't get it--

ROSS
You know I'm going to blow it up, right?

WARREN
Unfortunately, yes.

ROSS
Anyway, hope that's all you had to explain.

WARREN
But--

Ross leaves.

Ross shows up at the New Carthagean Royal Wedding. He walks into the castle.

Immediately he sees Ari. and walks directly towards her.

ARI
Who might you be?

ROSS
Ross. John Ross. Want a drink?

ARI
Sure.

They go to the bar.

ROSS
So who are you?

ARI
I'm Ari.

ROSS
The knife woman?

ARI
The only.

What brings you here, Mr. Ross?

ROSS
I'm here to shoot people, commit war crimes, and seduce you.

She nods.

ARI
So... Wanna kiss?

ROSS
Sure.

They kiss.

ROSS
Now, I have to go.

He leaves, and goes downstairs to the catacombs.

Wilhelm and two of his guards are there.

ROSS
We must talk.

WILHELM
I don't know you, but okay.

They go into a side room

Wilhelm's guard hold Ross at gunpoint.

WILHELM
As you may see, you've fallen into my trap!

Ross throws the radio and runs out.

He comes back in. Wilhelm has a gas mask on.

ROSS
I have a gun, but let's fight hand-to-hand!

The two begin to exchange punches. After thirty seconds, Ross just takes out his gun.

ROSS
Enough. Where is the Electron Laser Key?

WILHELM
East Berlin.

Ross, and the unconscious guards both open fire on Wilhelm.

ROSS
He always... uh...

Ari walks in.

ARI
What happened?

ROSS
He... hated getting his shots. Is that good?

ARI
Anyway, let's get those files.

Ross and Ari, both being shot at by Wilhelm's guards, dodge the bullets and run to the server room.

ARI
I can spike h-- no...

ROSS
Just grab the conveniently labeled disk drive on that table.

A drive labeled "SUPER SECRET PERSONEL DOSSIER" is on the table.

ARI
Let's go!

The two run to the end of the hallway.

ROSS
However shall we escape?

ARI
Why don't you use your contacts to find someone to help you?

KOTERA
Did somebody say--

ROSS
Yeah yeah yeah, just create a diversion.

KOTERA
No worries. I have just the plan. We'll escape in your APC, and terrorists will attack, diverting their attention!

ROSS
A great plan!

Ross, Kotera, and Ari load up into the APC. Ari immediately crashes it.

NC SOLDIER
Stop! Come out with your hands up!

Ross comes out with a Medium Atomic Demolition Munition.

NC SOLDIER
He's got a nuke!

The three run away back to the compound.

KOTERA
Any second now...

The terrorists attack.

ARI
Why are there terrorists here?

ROSS
No explanation necessary.

The VALV hovers above the ground.

NATE
Good job, I see you've met up with the defecting KGB-NKVD-GRU-Mossad official, Ari.

ROSS
A woman could never do as good of a job as me.

NATE
Ross, you REALLY have to change that slogan.


Ross is back in the office.

NATE
Through your operations, we have managed to secure the location of the next clue.

ROSS
Where is it?

Nate shudders.

NATE
...General.


Ross and Ari walk into what appears to be a nuclear wasteland.

ARI
Where are we?

ROSS
The General forum.

An RPG streaks past his head.

ARI
Why does everyone here look so MEAN?

ROSS
Duh, nobody here has ever heard anything that contradicts their own opinion.

Ross steps over a landmine.

ARI
So who are we looking for?

ROSS
An Amadeus Fredrich.

Ross and Ari step inside an abandoned shack. The room has been split down the middle, with both sides pointing guns at each other.

ARI
Are you crazy? We'll be shot!

RIGHT SIDE MAN #1
COMMIES!

LEFT SIDE WOMAN #1
Cyka blyat!

RIGHT SIDE MAN #2
Communism has failed every time it was tried!

LEFT SIDE MAN #2
What about this obscure place you've never heard of?

RIGHT SIDE MAN #1
Doesn't matter!

Ari and Ross deftly weave through the crowd.

ARI
Why haven't they shot anyone yet?

One man on the right side pulls a pistol. A laser point appears on his head.

ROSS
The mods.

They make their way to the back of the building. Amadeus is standing there, watching the conflict unfold.

AMADEUS
Ross, I presume?

ROSS
Yes. It is.

The two squint at each other.

ROSS
I know you may be a weeb nation, and we may not always see eye to eye, but I need your help.

AMADEUS
I am willing to help.

ROSS
But why?

AMADEUS
This AYIMOO - I never met the organization, but I know they are weebs. The group that worked for the furries, World Wide War. You know your history? At the end of the war, the weebs surrendered to the gamers in Austria, believing they would join them and wage war against the communists. But the gamers betrayed them, sent them back to Stalin, who promptly had them all shot. Women, children, families. Not exactly our finest hour. Still, ruthless people. They got what they deserved.

ROSS
True, true.

ARI
So where is the organization today?

AMADEUS
For that I'll have to pull a few strings.

ROSS
Where is the headquarters?

AMADEUS
Underneath the remains of the Berlin Wall. I can't get you there, but I assure you I know who can.

ROSS
Who?

ALASTAIR
We can.

Alastair and Ivan are sitting together in a booth, sharing a bag of popcorn, watching the two sides fight.

IVAN
But it'll cost you.

ROSS
How much?

IVAN
The floofy blanket.

ARI
No!

IVAN
Deal breaker. Blanket. Now.

Ari reluctantly holds out the blanket.

ALASTAIR
Alright, let's go.

(travel by map intensifies)

ALASTAIR
We are here.

The group is standing outside, in the middle of nowhere.

IVAN
I can't help you any farther, but all you have to do to get inside now is take smack about anime.

ROSS (yelling)
ANIME GIRLS? MORE LIKE ANIME TRAPS, AM I RIGHT?

A variety of cat-eared NKVD agents pop out of nowhere.

ROSS
That was fast.

OPERATIVE #1
You awe aww undew awwest fow shawing state secwets-- I mean uhh, talking smack about anime!

The scene cuts to a prison cell.

ARI
How ever will we escape?

ROSS
Don't worry, I've got a cunning plan.

He shanks the guard in front of his cell, takes the keys, and unlocks both the cells.

ARI
How was that cunning? Or a plan?

Ross tosses her an AKS.

ROSS
It worked, didn't it? Now, let's take on some weebs.

The two gun their way through the complex, eventually reaching a main control room.

OOMIYA
I see you've found my organization.

ROSS
Oomiya? How could it possibly be you?

The banner on the wall labeled AYIMOO is upside down.

She flips it back around to read OOMIYA.

ROSS
How could I ever have guessed?

OOMIYA
Sorry, my bad.

ARI
Honestly I can't blame him. Just looked like a really light grey.

Montse, Sylvia, and Julienne came out of the background.

ROSS
Of course! You recruited weeb nations to join you so that you could take over the world with the Electron Laser!

MONTSE
How has it taken you this long to realize that that was the plot of the movie?

ARI
He's kind of dumb.

OOMIYA
Anyway, as you all may have known, I now have the Electron Laser key, so I can activate the Electron Laser and... turn EVERYONE into a weeb!

ROSS
You'll never get away with this!

Sylvia and Julienne pull MP40s, Oomiya pulls a PPSH-41, and Montse pulls an MP5.

ARI
...okay they might.

The four open fire. Ross and Ari dive behind a sign.

ARI
What does this sign say?

ROSS
That's not a sign, it's a label. This is the convenient plot barricade that always exists at the crucial moment it is needed.

ARI
That's a relief.

Alarms begin to wail.

OOMIYA
It's too late now, John Ross! The Electron Laser is firing!

The two watch on a screen as the timer counts down.

ARI
Oh no! We can't stop it!

The timer hits zero.

OOMIYA
uhh... we hit an anime convention.

SYLVIA
Great.

The four rush out.

ARI
After them!

The four get in a car and drive away.

ROSS
We'll never catch them now!

ARI
We need to know where they are going!

ROSS
I know just the man.


ROSS
Lord Bodie, I need your help.

BODIE
With what, exactly?

ROSS
Oomiya and her fellow weebs have stolen the Electron Laser key, and are using it to turn humans into weebs!

BODIE
We must stop them! What do you need?

ROSS
I need to know where Amadeus is now. And I might need some military support.

BODIE
Geneva.

Ross shudders.


AMADEUS
I see.

ROSS
Do you have any idea where they could be next?

AMADEUS
No, I only knew of the Berlin base.

Ari's eyes light up.

ARI
I know! We could trace their network links from the old base to the new one!

She takes out a laptop and smashes a few keys down.

ROSS
Where are they?

Ari's face grows dim.

ARI
...Tunisia.


Several GRAIL trucks are driving out through the desert, carrying troops, Ross, and Ari.

ROSS
Alright, our goal is to find the Electron Laser key, disable the system, and blow up the complex.

The trucks stop and the troops dismount.

Gunfire is exchanged. The troops rush the entrance to the facility.

It just turns into any normal Bond movie action section. You could literally just play any of them here and you'd be fine. This takes like 10 minutes.

ROSS
Look! The control room!

The two rush in, guns drawn

OOMIYA
You're far too slow! The laser has already been activated!

SYLVIA
Yeah!

The four begin to laugh.

ROSS
Then fight me!

He raises his fist!

Oomiya charges him. She is gunned down by a GRAIL soldier.

OOMIYA
No! How could you!

Ross runs to the console and redirects the laser to fire at the New Carthagean capitol building.

ARI
What are you doing?

ROSS
Just giving that jackass of a president the works!

The timer hits zero and the laser fires. The shot cuts to Christophe growing cat ears.

CHRIS
What the... Hewwo? I feew stwange nyow...

The shot cuts back.

ARI
Ross, you saved the day!

Bodie walks in.

BODIE
Not really. They have the building rigged to explode!

Everyone rushes away.

ARI
There's no time! We have to steal this plane!

Ross commandeers a Cessna 172, and flies all three away just before the explosion.

Ross and Ari kiss. Bodie just smiles and winks.

THE END.

Please never make me do this again.

Read factbook


F7 5: It's An Action Movie Now, Not A Clue Ripoff

When I first got finished with F7 4, I was lost. I didn't have a clue where I was going to make the plot go next.

Then, after listening to a little too much "The Living Daylights" it came to me in a fury of realization.

John Ross would be a bootleg James Bond.

And with that, I created a plot involving Ari as the Bond girl, Oomiya as Colonel Ouromov, with appearances of NSG, and the wasteland it is, the WEEB LASER, my hatred for Wilhem, and the NC wedding, all in one. With a brand now cast, including

Socialist Macronesia (John Adam Ross)
Western Fardelshufflestein (Wilhelm/Alastair)
Wuchu (Kotera)
Las Palmeras (Montse)
New Carthagea (Christophe II)
Kiu Ghesik (Ari)
Minskiev (Ivan)
Azur Deutschland (Sylvia/Julienne)
Free Ravensburg (Amadeus)
Empirical Switzerland (Bodie)
Sanghyeok (Oomiya)

it was certainly my favorite to write, and certainly, in my opinion, the best F7 Movie to date.

RawReport