The Democratic Republic of Telsamian is a colossal, safe nation, ruled by President Bezos with an even hand, and notable for its parental licensing program, public floggings, and ubiquitous missile silos. The hard-nosed, devout population of 6.701 billion Telsamianians are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized, corrupt, moralistic government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Industry, and Defense. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Tortuga. The average income tax rate is 33.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Telsamianian economy, worth 668 trillion Dollers a year, is broadly diversified and dominated by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with significant contributions from Basket Weaving, Furniture Restoration, and Door-to-door Insurance Sales. Black market activity is frequent. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 99,762 Dollers, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 3.4 times as much as the poorest.

President Bezos's exquisite office door is replaced monthly due to angry petitioners, citizens are expected to be proficient in at least five languages, torture is commonly used to extract information from suspected criminals, and 'Mountain Doobie' is widely regarded as the nation's favourite drink. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Telsamian's national animal is the Egale, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Christianity.

Telsamian is ranked 37,109^th in the world and 3^rd in The Imperial Union of Order States for Most Cultured, scoring 77 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.